EP 18: Happy Father's Day

We're honoring all the fathers and father figures on this episode. We also talk about the relationships we've had with our fathers' and father figures and how it has affected us growing up.  Different from our Influential Women episode, we talk about the fathers in and out of our lives. Whether you have a good or bad relationship, we're acknowledging and thanking those who have been there for us since the beginning! 

Transcript

Hey, y'all welcome to United AI. As friends podcast, a show where we try to unravel the complexities of our multicultural friendship and existing as millennials in today's world every other week, we'll get together for a deep dive into how our friendship has survived and have some laughs while doing it.

We're your hosts, Amanda Justine and Taylor.

Taylor: [00:00:23] It's father's day week y'all shout out to all the fathers and father figures out there because You guys help make the world go round. So we've done an episode with our siblings We did an episode with our mothers But we're gonna do something a little different this time for father's day And it was just going to be the three of us. So my first question Is what images spring to your mind when you guys hear the word father.

Amanda: [00:00:52] Provider that's what comes to my mind. 

Justine: [00:00:59] I have multiple just because  there's so many different situations. Yeah So I would say it's not just one specific stereotype. Depending on the family dynamics and everything you have the provider like Amanda. You can have the father who's never there you can have the in between as well 

Taylor: [00:01:21] That's good yeah I agree I guess my first image I think Or A thing descriptor would be like protector Cause that's all I always what I felt like from like my uncles my brothers even all my cousins and stuff like that they're always wanting to protect you and I'm like I can pretty much do for myself with thank you for the sentiment I will take that And know that's that love feeling there. Yeah. Question for the group: What your relationship How would you describe your relationship with your 

Amanda: [00:01:54] I wouldn't say it's like bad relationship but it's just not close. Go to him for much it's more my mom again.  If I do go to him for anything it's more of because I'm lazy I don't want to say it but I was like damn it's the truth. It's cause I'm So it'll be things like can you like cut up this cucumber for me Can you

Taylor: [00:02:21] um Oh all feminists in the world just crazy cucumber 

Amanda: [00:02:34] Listen I be having omelets He's actually a very good So yes

Justine: [00:02:43] I mean I understand because it's like Hey I liked dad's cooking then have him cook the stuff. Cook an omelet  but cucumber

Amanda: [00:02:52] Listen, I'm lazy.

Taylor: [00:02:54] We're going to work on that See now I have Now more makes sense about us having to teach Amanda had a cut of steak retrospect I'm glad we're doing this because now I can fill in those pieces and it's not like we have to blame anybody but no this was all on her You had opportunities and just chose not to 

Amanda: [00:03:15] Yeah But that goes a lot to do with the fact that growing up it wasn't like he was I don't want to say he wasn't there He was there But he was the one who worked more sure He was the provider and so I got used to just going to my mom for most things And so I just it's weird now that he's here At home all the time Like he's been home for almost two years now Cause his bad arm But still to this day I don't won't go to him for much I go to my mom. 

Taylor: [00:03:45] So do you think because that's the what the dynamic is just so difficult to step out of that You're just like I Dad's in this box and mom is in this box I can't move them out Do you think that's what's going on 

Amanda: [00:04:00] Yes because there's just it's their skillset In a sense my mom to like help me paint a room or Why is Smiling like that 

Taylor: [00:04:12] I don't know 

Amanda: [00:04:13] My dad for financial help It's just certain things I don't Yeah there's just certain things I go to one parent over the other

Justine: [00:04:22] That makes sense.  My parents got divorced when I was 13 so I haven't had a father figure from then on. it was  a strict cutoff So we did not get we did not hear from him I think there was  a few years where I did receive birthday cards or Christmas cards but that stopped after a few years. So it was completely cut off and then I guess prior to that. He wasn't there majority of the time.  I remember him always being home really late. And that was also like me and my brother trying to make sure that we don't do anything wrong so that we don't get hit or we don't get punished but also it seems like a lot of the time my mom and my dad were always arguing and I remember my brother unfortunately being in the middle of it because I think he was sleeping in my mom's room and then they got into a huge argument so most of the times that was the dynamic or the picture that I've had of my dad.

Taylor: [00:05:24] Interesting Did you ever want to reach out to him

Justine: [00:05:28] I remember for my sweet 16 I did just so that you can have that father daughter dance but yeah

Taylor: [00:05:34] Understandable. Yes. So Justine and I kind of have at that point a similar issue with our fathers. So my parents were not married and I was his fourth kid at that point. So when my mom died he gave up his rights as a parent .So then  my aunt took over and she watched over me and Mallory took care of us and everything so I have four Yeah I have four memories with my father of interacting with him. I can count them off all on one hand it was my my paternal his mother's a funeral, His uncle's funeral my brother's wedding, And then oh no five My brother's wedding, My sister-in-law's baby shower And then one day after my niece was born So I five instances where I can remember him And people always find it interesting where I'm like yeah The most interaction I ever had with my father was he gave me a business card and said call me if you need anything And I was like

Justine: [00:06:44] I would feel insulted by that

Taylor: [00:06:47] I was eight 

Justine: [00:06:48] Guess how oh okay

Taylor: [00:06:51] Yeah So that's I've got an there's a lot too that side of myself don't think it has affected the way I think of men. Because outside of him I had great male role models growing up. I had My grandfather my uncle my brothers and a host of cousins and my Godfather's that all stepped in and stood up were like there for us So I I don't He was just a person at the end of the day So I was like whatever 

Justine: [00:07:34] So going back to When you said that people found it odd that you had I think the five interactions with your dad. Why did they find that odd? 

Taylor: [00:07:46] I think it's because I'm so used to Explaining it like used to explaining it is just that know I'm I'm supposed to be broken And I feel like that has always been the

interaction I've had with other people Like when I say my mom died when I was a baby and the first response is always oh my God I'm so sorry And then when they learn even more about me and I'm like yeah my father technically abandoned me when I was little stuff like that But I'm old a well rounded human I am. People don't know what the protocol is when someone is okay with I guess traumatic experiences Because you're like so we're so programmed to To nurture and care and show that sympathy That when it like yeah I got five days X Y a B C D E and F whatever. So how's your day going People are just like you're just going to just gloss over all of that And I'm like What do you want from me What like like what What am I supposed to do for point 

Justine: [00:08:53] And you had all this one you had such a you have Currently have right A huge support system that has been with you through everything . And then you also have The time to reflect on it And think about how it affects you and think about how you want to move on in your life. It's very interesting that people want to put you into that bubble of  like you said you should be broken because of X Y and Z.

Taylor: [00:09:27] And it's I have to say that because I went through it the way I approach other people When I learned stuff about them

Okay They'll tell me when they want to tell me what happened. Like I'm not going to ask questions like even Justine,  you. I have never asked you questions about your father And I've had other people ask me questions about you and I'm like that's the question you need to ask her.

Justine: [00:09:54] Interesting

Taylor: [00:09:56] Yeah Because they're like because we're close friends everybody assumes I know everything There are things we don't like you and Amanda there is stuff we learn about each other every single day because we haven't shared As much as other people assume we know about each other. Even being friends And I think that's everybody everyone always thinks that everybody knows everything about them because they're friends but you sometimes you don't know things Shoot I learned stuff about my mom all the time Like people in my family I'm surprised and yeah We're all still learning about each other

Justine: [00:10:29] Yep

Taylor: [00:10:38] Was your father The most influential male influence in your life 

Amanda: [00:10:44] Yes one growing up the only other really other male in my life would have been my older brother not that much older than me that I'm going to Pick him as a role model But Other than that like my My dad has a bunch of brothers He's one of 12 children. We were never really that close.  His oldest brother was  this scary guy growing up He was an authoritative type person. Don't cross him And then the others just gave me like this weird vibe growing up those weird vibes I'm talking about I didn't deal with them And then on my mom's side She just wasn't very close with her siblings growing up so get close with them either So I would say it was literally just my dad and Maybe my brother Maybe 

Taylor: [00:11:28] You don't want to give him junior that much credit 

Amanda: [00:11:30] Listen . We'll see .I think what happens later on in life

Justine: [00:11:35] Similar to Amanda didn't have many male influences to choose from or you had all these different types of relationships I guess by default Yes my dad would be the most influential  male. I have my godfather but he wasn't Like for questions and such I wouldn't go to him but yeah my dad I guess the most influential thing that he Has done was I don't know no that's more of an inheretence versus influence but I inherited the music part Like he Plays the drums He plays the bass he's in musician ish So that's where I get my singing from I feel like that was answer It'd be like did

Taylor: [00:12:21] bad answers

Justine: [00:12:22] I didn't answer it you 

Taylor: [00:12:25] question was strongest. You did answer the question so my grandfather I think overall was my strongest male influence. Granted he was only alive for four of my years but I grew up in the house with him and my uncle So yeah my uncle also but He was a man's man like Amanda's dad.  So he was very much the provider. He fixed things He taught his daughters how to fix their own tires, how to change the oil in the car. So all of his overall stuff the way he loved his family and the way he His interactions with my grandmother I was like  I don't like you all the time but I love you.  Even just hearing those type of things helped form what my expectations are in being provided for by someone being respected and being loved and appreciated So  he's  a huge part of my ideal type person. So I think all of that and then the things he did for his family when   my mom and her siblings were growing up and look You can go out in the world but you'll always have a home here. Learning these different things show me the different types of ways of providing for your family And then yeah that's that's my answer.  Do you guys have other male influences you go to for guidance? Like I've got cousins and I have siblings, I don't always talk to my brothers now but I know that if I need to ask them questions I can. I have a couple of cousins yourselves. 

Amanda: [00:14:00] My brother if I did need him for anything he would help me it's not like he's going to ignore me abandoned me or anything. Just my dad and my brother I guess that's all I got. 

Taylor: [00:14:13] But do you you feel like that's there there are not there enough though right you never felt lacking is what I'm trying to say 

Amanda: [00:14:20] Yes Yes 

Justine: [00:14:21] So this is just because my ex popped into my head and I'm like wait technically he influenced Yeah He's so technically going back to your first question. Because I was with him for nine years and majority of like the adulting life and he was the one who helped teach me how to change a tire as well. So technically he was the like strongest male influence and also has helped shaped me in a sense of sharing my feelings even though it took a really long time for me to do that. So I would say and thinking more logistically versus emotionally Yeah So those are some things that I remember learning from him but obviously since we're no longer together he's no longer an influence on me., But he would have been somebody that I would go to for guidance and such like when I was promoted and had the option to go to LA, obviously he was the first one that I spoke to and I was like shit what are we going to do also should I really do this was never something that I wanted to even go to or think about.  Currently I don't have any other male Influences that I go to for guidance. It's just you just don't have the I guess same connection as you do with like our female influences.

Taylor: [00:15:49] Why do you guys think that is? Because I feel like I have a pretty equal Standing but there are times where I'm like I can't this, I can't talk to certain people about these things but why do you think it's more so uncommon.

Justine: [00:16:07] I think one because I grew up with a lot of women while having obviously my mom and then my two aunts who really raised me and my brother when we were younger as well. They were a huge influence because they took care of us and I think culturally when you have that provider type of male and not necessarily being part of your life a little bit more And taking an extra step Then you have that disconnect and it's just You talk to that person when you need something But And I guess with female things such as your period you probably wouldn't tell your dad It'd be no thanks. So obviously you'd go to your mom for it because you don't know what you're supposed to do in that situation. Or who else are you going to tell. So I think obviously for females Certain topics you would talk to the female influences

 Amanda: [00:17:09] Yeah no I'm definitely going to agree with Justine on that because that's Pretty much What happens in this household I will never forget the day he found my birth control was like so angry Oh my God he

Justine: [00:17:22] Did he think you were having sex?

Amanda: [00:17:24] Yeah And I was like no I to help regulate my period and he was he could not understand what that meant I could not understand what that meant. And I was like oh my God. So I literally had to explain it and it was just the most embarrassing thing ever but I was really upset at the same time Cause I was just like what excuse you. Because at that time I think I was like 19 or 20 and I was like yo I could do what I want

Justine: [00:17:48] Yeah But 

Taylor: [00:17:49] see 

Justine: [00:17:49] if he had approached it in a different way And not like flipping out oh my God you're having sex what the fuck are you doing like why are you taking birth control and more of Hey I noticed you have birth control Is everything okay do you want to talk about it I feel like that's such a much more approachable situation versus oh my God what are you having sex with? I don't want to have another I don't want to have a baby in this house! Blah blah, you're not married 

Amanda: [00:18:15] The thing is I could never picture my dad having that calm about it type of thing now. Never No That will never be him.

Justine: [00:18:23] I feel like certain culturally, stereotypically. I would picture most dads  reacting the way that your dad did. And it would be nice if men did approach some certain situations like in a more calm manner and a more inviting conversation.

Taylor: [00:18:45] Like in my head. What I would have done, I would have gone to if I was your father finding it I would've gone to your mom and be like why does she have this? Do you know do that first before attacking you. But then again I'm also female so that's why my brain works that way. Like I need to do what's happening before I just explode this whole conversation.  

What is your best memory with your dad? 

Amanda: [00:19:21] Oh that's easy our fishing trips

Justine: [00:19:26] Wait fish

Wait you fish?!

Taylor: [00:19:29] Wonderful 

Amanda: [00:19:32] I know No growing up My with my dad, he loved to go fishing in the summers We were constantly going like he had a boat we had a boat for many years And would go on it and we would fish on the Hudson I've never really

Justine: [00:19:47] Oh Why would you eat fish from the Hudson 

Amanda: [00:19:50] We didn't. First of all there's rules Had they had to be sent than the certain I'd have to weigh a certain amount in order for you to keep it. Most of the time we couldn't really find anything, we just tossed them back because they were too small or we would kill it and then leave it So something else would come and that's bait but great

Justine: [00:20:08] Oh okay

Taylor: [00:20:09] Why are you smiling when you're saying these. Have Concerns

Amanda: [00:20:15] But yeah no he was more saltwater fishing I always preferred freshwater It was first of all because you didn't have to have my bait. You could do the fake little rubber fishy with the little hook on it. So much better I hated touching the bait.  

Taylor: [00:20:29] No problem Killing the other fish 

Amanda: [00:20:31] I didn't kill it It was it just made sense to kill it.  We would growing up it was a lot Always fishing it would be either on the rocks Or off a pier it'd be on a boat or And I can even tell you the places like Florida all over Jersey Puerto Rico Anytime we went on vacation It's like Florida Puerto Rico We would bring fishing rods with us To go fishing. That's probably the 

Track 1: [00:20:59] I 

Amanda: [00:21:00] our only bonding was fishing And even then it wasn't just me and him and my brother was always there too And sometimes my sister. But yeah fishing was our thing for a long time we haven't gone in a really long time. 

Taylor: [00:21:12] So on those fishing trips was there ever any like something was there like a special routine or anything Did you guys know this is what we're going to do Or was there any ever something that was like special that your dad did for you guys Because you guys were in that element together without your mom? 

Amanda: [00:21:31] No not really Okay It was just We're going to go fishing Cast your line See what you get Mo A lot of the times  if I got something I'd be like be too weak to like reel it in myself. 

Taylor: [00:21:47] Also same person having him cutting up cucumbers

Amanda: [00:21:55] He would either like he would help me reel it in that was always very common always common.Like I could never really real my own damn fish that was when I was younger. Like I it in years I would like to think now I could do we have my own fishing

Justine: [00:22:10] Do you want to go fishing

Amanda: [00:22:11] I would do again fresh water cause I'm not such in the bait. Then  again if we did saltwater he probably put the bait on the hook for me 

Taylor: [00:22:18] So what's your problem

Justine: [00:22:20] You're not  even eating fish 

Taylor: [00:22:25] I know there's so many parts to this

Justine: [00:22:29] Just do the salt water fishing and that way you can have that time 

Taylor: [00:22:34] Do something special for him for We like that go You haven't we haven't been fishing in forever Let's go 

Amanda: [00:22:41] Father's day is coming up Yeah That is our episode Yeah 

Taylor: [00:22:45] There you go There's an idea for you for father's day But like dad 

Amanda: [00:22:52] He's such a simple man He'd love it 

Taylor: [00:22:53] With his shoulder Is that his dominant side or No 

Amanda: [00:22:57] Actually yes it is He would cast this way I don't know if he'd be visit but we could still try if I can get my siblings to go we could always just cast it for him. When we were younger he used the cast it for us too cause we couldn't do it. Full circle. 

Now you can 

Taylor: [00:23:12] Exactly Exactly. And then you get your brother in for practicing when he comes a father So he can do this stuff to see There's a whole Yeah culmination of things. 

Amanda: [00:23:23] All right Plan Got it There you go Then the text message to my siblings soon 

Taylor: [00:23:29] You're welcome. How about you Justine, what's your best memory? It can be father or father figure.

Justine: [00:23:35] Yeah  It's not really a best memory but it just goes with the music thing I remember I was practicing for the talent show and he was helping me practice for it. And I think like he was making me practice I don't know how many times but I remember he had come home and I was like I haven't been practicing Let me just put on the song and start singing and such and I heard him come up the stairs and knock on my door but he waited until after I was done singing. And then he knocked and then instead of hi I think he critiqued me. And then yeah that was it That's how he is. And then the other one It was my brother and him were in the living room and I don't know what game we were trying to play. But apparently I was like hiding and I was coming from the hallway and just like peeking out a little bit. And then he throws the slipper at me And then it's all for fun hits my mouth and my tooth falls out and I felt it on my tongue I was like what is this hard thing. And stick out my tongue And I see my tooth I'm like oh my God I was still young enough then where it's the baby teeth are coming in So it was completely fine that He hit me with the slipper and just fell out like that That is the best way to have your teeth come out especially when need it because literally I didn't feel any pain It just fell out there it was

Taylor: [00:25:13] This was part of a game you were playing?

Justine: [00:25:15] Yeah I have no idea what game it was, but I was just peeking out It's  just like it's dart practice or something

Amanda: [00:25:26] Okay

Justine: [00:25:27] I don't know So odd game hit your child

Taylor: [00:25:30] I can't really talk because Mal and I would do all drag out wrestling in the house so I feel you Sorry I'm

Justine: [00:25:38] yours,  Taylor? 

Taylor: [00:25:40] Just imagining little Justine with no front teeth 

Justine: [00:25:45] Do at some point we all didn't have front teeth come on 

Taylor: [00:25:48] I know but you set up such a perfect visual

Justine: [00:25:52] It was one two it's Okay

Taylor: [00:25:55] Okay But my head it was I'm seeing like a cartoon slipper kind of spinning in the air and knocking you in the head back and just like taking 15 seconds to realize oh my God

Justine: [00:26:07] That's definitely what happened

Taylor: [00:26:11] Overactive imaginations. 

Track 1: [00:26:13] I 

Taylor: [00:26:13] Don't know I think my favorite memory with my see I can't figure out which one it is because I have one with my grandfather and then I have one with my great uncle who was my grandmother's brother That was a huge influence on me growing up And I think I'm going to go with that It was The first time I got to drive my uncle somewhere because you grow up And for years these are people who are taking you places They take you on Vacations around the corners of the store I was 18 I could  drive I was like oh Billy get in the car to go get sandwiches or something like that because it was not too long I think it was I want to say it was after my grandmother had died And we were just around the house I was like come on uncle This and go and everything that was going on it just it felt good To be doing something normal And then I was really I had a lot of pride in the fact that I could drive him somewhere And I know that's  another really random type thing but it just  felt good to be able to do that with him And he was proud that I was driving and not getting into an accident with him in the car had a lot of fun just talking and laughing

Justine: [00:27:28] At least it wasn't oh my God why are you driving so fast? You need to slow down! Why are you slowing down at a yellow light? Go speed up!

Taylor: [00:27:39] Yeah Yeah And I think it's because he didn't do any of that There was no There was no critiquing of my driving experience It was just like bullshitting and making me laugh While we got sandwiches for the house and it was great. I miss him.  In what ways do you think take after your father

Justine: [00:28:00] Ah here it is I was trying to for this question but I didn't see it obviously. So I would say one the music portion Two I would say I don't know strict as well or  more assertiveness because my mom's not very assertive but my dad was and he's you need to do this and that And I guess also maybe he had high expectations I have no idea but I have high expectations. It's just you guys need to be in order type of thing. So I think those two for the 13 years that I've known him

Amanda: [00:28:34] Yeah to be honest 

Track 1: [00:28:37] There 

Amanda: [00:28:37] might be some similarities It's just hard for me to come up with because my entire life people have always caught considered me like miniature of my mom 

Track 1: [00:28:44] Even 

Amanda: [00:28:44] though technically I always found her to be way way more patient way nicer than I ever have been.I feel like that might have colored my view as well that I just don't see many sides I don't see any simulators with my dad to be honest. Or actually hold on Hold on It could be My similarities with him in the sense that one I curse a lot. You guys know facts That I definitely got from him because my mom never curses my high alcohol tolerance is probably from him too 

Taylor: [00:29:20] Thank you daddy

Justine: [00:29:22] say 

also going out with Taylor and Malori

Amanda: [00:29:26] That's built it up Yeah 

Taylor: [00:29:28] In my defense we Nope lies I would say we did go to brunch So I'm just going to shut up

Amanda: [00:29:37] Oh man I really can't think of Yeah no Other than that I don't see many similarities between the two of us Like I said everyone's always said I was more like my mom. So maybe I'm just like a good blend of them both 

Taylor: [00:29:52] That's good 

Track 1: [00:29:53] That's 

Taylor: [00:29:54] good. This one's a hard one for my actual father So I've had this conversation with my younger sister before, and I think the one thing we get from him other than physical because that's one eye do look like him  transitive property in that I looked just like my brother and my brother looks like my father So ipso factoid I look like him But discussion we had is that we each have a level of selfishness and I think in all I think that is the one thing that I definitely know came from him because the fact that I'm here Was a load Part of his selfishness in his life And that he Was with women He had children but didn't necessarily stick around to father them but I like to think that there's some part of me that is of him but I just will never know because he did pass away And the two of us never had any sort of relationship like Amanda I don't I guess I'm a blend of both of my parents but I don't know what other than that Selfishness that degree of selfishness in myself that I'd rather be by myself to meet with someone else. That's the extent of what I think I got from him 

Track 1: [00:31:24] And I'm 

Taylor: [00:31:24] okay with that At least I can pinpoint it 

Justine: [00:31:34] yeah I can't remember if we talked about this a little bit earlier but The last part you were saying that your inherited his selfish ness Where he wasn't there and he had Different women had children with different women Like how do you feel about that

Taylor: [00:31:50] I don't really feel about it I don't know Like I like to think care I guess some part of me does care At I think I definitely as a teenager I was very that was when I finally started catching on to it and not catching onto it Like I knew it knew There's possibility that I might have more siblings out There was always thing where we're gonna somebody's gonna pop up but we did 23 and me and nobody else has popped up yet There's that don't It's a thing he did It was that was the life he chose to live he did me a blessing By leaving me out of it I've I As an adult I have talked to other people who had difficult relationships with their fathers And I said the best thing that mine did for me Was staying out of my life didn't have any there was no mental abuse There was no physical abuse was just an absent figure And I was cool with that because no fighting for I don't want to go visit like even having to do weekend visits all of that I didn't have any of that So there was no oh I can't do stuff because I got to go visit my dad No I was just I live my life He lived his I'm cool I'm good with it  He w he wasn't a factor and I think that's That's the part that Other people don't can't wrap their minds around and that was just not there He wasn't there not like he was hanging over my head in any way shape or form So there was nothing to miss that's what it was There was nothing to miss So I don't have any emotions attached to that Which is different than the rest of my because everyone else had those Like go visit your dad moments Mine was completely cut off and that's what makes my I guess lack of emotional connection Or anger towards him Very different than my four siblings because one of them had relationship with him in some way shape or form Like my younger sister was going over Going over to his house She had a room had visits Malori went on visits where it would be him and my two brothers and like my brothers They grew up in a house with him Like it was all V we all had very different interactions Mine being just nothing I'm not I feel like in my opinion I can't be a part of that club because mine was just like I said five interactions and a business card That was it I had because I was so young when those happened a lot of them ended with me in tears Because I didn't know how to Channel my feelings towards him or because he would would bring up my mom and that was a sore spot to me And I was very emotional about that but when it comes to me thinking about him I could care less that kind of sounded heartless

Justine: [00:35:00] I don't think so I think you're sharing And what you fell to explaining it I don't think  that sounds heartless

Taylor: [00:35:10] Like I said I'm an adjusted adult who definitely does need some therapy but a whole other set different side of me is that's not just that's just him That's a whole other side to me 

Justine: [00:35:24] I feel like this is somewhat of a therapy session as well or sessions or just Because we get into all the deep diving and such I wanted to This kind of when I was I wanted to ask this question but I'm also thinking about it or just like okay So what was the question Oh yes So I know that you have other strong male influences in your life but because of your situation with your dad Does that break Like how does that affect the trust that you have in future Male figures in your life whether that is in a relationship friends close friends et cetera even though I know you have guy friends too but I'm sure people are thinking like Ooh shit does she have trust issues with men 

Taylor: [00:36:14] I don't have trust issues Because I think No I don't think I know about myself I know about myself that I don't you guys know I don't trust people regardless not to say male or female because I think People I need to get to a level of trust with you Before I actually tell you stuff Like I can be cool We can be friends We could talk all the time might a lot of the things that I do when I start Getting to know people I let most most of the time I let other people do most of the talking And had my friend Whitney in college she was like Taylor we have these conversations goes I dumped my emotional laundry on you and you give me a sock think that's that kind of my interaction with everyone It takes me a while I have to feel if I can trust you what I'm saying not to say that stems from my father And his lack of being there It might have something to do with it But I think it's also to me I think it's a both because both my parents when I was young of them passed away That was not by her choosing or anything And then the other one just stepped away So I am aware That people are not going to be around All the time and that's I think that's another thing that has always just been a part of me And that I grew up in a household mom died grandfather died uncle got married and left the house And these are all people I was very connected to But I was like I always know that at some point you can leave me okay with that But I don't know if I'm going to give you All of me unless I know you're invested. Does that answer your question

Justine: [00:38:11] Yeah 

Taylor: [00:38:13] What about you that affect your relationship with does the fact that your parents got divorced affect your relationship with men?

Justine: [00:38:20] Clearly I would say clearly it hasn't since I was in a relationship for nine years but I think I was like thinking There's probably an underlying Thing there were It's I'm always thinking even if you break up or break off or whatever There is that little piece of hope that person will come back if you really miss that person and such and you make the somewhat effort too reconnect and then oh okay We're seeing that we can reconnect and then maybe we can be in a relationship again something like that So I think cause I I think I feel like I've had that issue and To me it's an issue because it's like giving a glimmer a little piece of hope that the person will come back even if they're not a hundred percent for you which is also not a good thing but that's just like a whole other thing

Taylor: [00:39:17] Which is  valid and the majority of our things are always other things here Anyway Which is why our episodes are like three hours long when we tape them so let's change this question around for Amanda So do you think because your father is such a provider and He has been such a stable in your life Has that put barriers on other people who have wanted to come into your life and that you're like nah you don't You don't make the mark 

Amanda: [00:39:49] no Because that's not really the reason why I don't like people in my life It's just cause I don't like people Like I it's to me it's I got what I need I've got the family I've got the great friends What else do I need

Justine: [00:40:03] That's right

Amanda: [00:40:08] Because to be honest Emotionally I'm not all that connected I'm not it's not my thing So to try to have more people come into my life it's oh God I'm going to have to try and connect to the you too  really But yeah I feel like that has nothing My dad has nothing to do with why I don't let people in my life It's just I got enough I don't need any more I'm not trying to be emotionally spent Thank you

  Justine: [00:40:39] I think that's also a great point of view Because  again going back to societal pressures or cultural pressures of being finding a partner and making the family It again it's such a great point of view where you feel like you have everything you need and you don't need anything else other than moving out of your parents place and getting your townhouse or condo But You've got everything Why Add to it and probably have to go through this stress So I think that I feel like that's a great point of view to have 

Taylor: [00:41:11] Oh yeah Especially cause Like you said societal pressures Everybody tells you this is what you're supposed to be doing Why haven't you done it Amanda Amanda why haven't you done it Why haven't you done this Why have did you Why haven't you ticked off the box ABC and D you're just focused on box E what what's wrong What's wrong And this just feels so wrong 

Justine: [00:41:30] Yeah and I have a friend I Catch up with him from time to time and check on how he's feeling And he's yeah it's been really good I'm happy where I am But I just need a Mrs And it'll complete everything and it's like Why do you need that okay If that's what your point of view and that's going to complete your life Great But It's just why

Taylor: [00:41:55] I don't know I don't know who made up the rules but we're trying to bless past them. 

How does your culture define the father daughter relationship So that sounds so positive 

Amanda: [00:42:16] no it's just culturally I want to say most families are the same way in the sense that The mother is responsible for the childbearing father is just the provider So it's not like they're not they're not as involved With the child like To a degree With my brother He was More involved I want to say Then with me and my sister it was always like oh I'll help you practice your baseball or come help me fix the truck or things like that with my brother with me and my sister It We didn't really he didn't really do anything like that with us And to him was just here have a Barbie doll he to the stereotypes And growing up not to say that he wasn't involved when we have concerts I was always in choir all throughout we have the the spring and winter concerts he was there Always He Was there for I think in elementary school we have like little school plays or whatever Again he was there he was recording he was that supportive dad But at the same time that was the extent of what he did Anything more It was up it was my mom Parent teacher conference My mom Field trip chaperone my mom PTA my mom let me see what else what other issues We have she was the one who was always okay I'll get the kids up ready for school he just that just wasn't his thing I feel like I'm just bashing on my dad right now and that's not what I'm trying to all It's just It was just the way it was just what was expected It's just the way it was and slightly sexist roles But Again that's just how they were raised in that So that's how they implemented their family the same way But he was around when we needed him to be like okay Our thing growing up was I want to say TV Like my mom could never sit and watch any type of animation at all Like to her She couldn't do it To this day I don't think you can do it to be honest my dad could sit there for hours with us watching any Disney princess movie he could watch favorite show growing up was always Rugrats And I he would go searching for Roberts back in the day we would have the we didn't have the TV guide or whatever You had to like skip Can't go to a certain channel Watching scroll that he would do that So he could find us our cartoons to watch he would sit and he would watch the movies with us that Wasn't my mom couldn't do that for whatever reason. So there were certain things that he would do with us all the time No no questions asked. Whenever we wanted something he would always do his best to give it to us Cause There was just certain there was just ways different ways he showed his paternal 

Taylor: [00:44:59] His love. And that's the thing from your dad Amanda your love language is gift giving And so is his. As an outsider with you describing it that he would do he would go out of his way make sure you got something you wanted that's his love language to you He's not a talker He's not a he is a I'll sit and I'll spend the time with you doing something you want to do because I want to have that moment with you don't have to talk and I'll give you a gift Those are Amanda Those are your traits

Justine: [00:45:30] And also what about access service since he was helping cut the cucumber

Amanda: [00:45:36] Oh no he's always been that way Like even with his siblings even to be perfectly honest You know what him and mom are very similar in that sense where he goes out of his way to help people like at when he with his old co coworkers drive them to train stations and from work Like he would get up earlier and leave the house earlier to help them get to work with his siblings he day he'll go and be like oh you need help garden your garden Okay I'll go Oh you need help with your boiler Okay I'll go you need help with anything He said that even though some of his siblings not all of them some of them They don't deserve it But he'll do it He'll still do it anyway And he'll talk so much shit about it too he'll be all irritated and But he'll still do it my dad's a decent guy Don't get me wrong He's a great I love them But there's always just been that Disconnect between me and him especially as we got as I got older Like him and my sister are like exact same And that's they fight a lot But some For me and him it's we just any like at all And I think a lot of that has just I hate to say it but I feel like I'm more book smart type of person while he's more like the street smart could never do the things he could do Like he's never had any like official schooling of any kind but he can go he can break apart can redo the wiring in our home He can do the plumbing on his own He can break apart an engine and put it right back together with he's had zero schooling and any of that but he can do it Me I need that education I need that I don't know I need the books I guess you could say I need the But I feel like that kind of is part of our disconnect in the sense that he will say something and I'll be like there's nothing to prove that there's no backup to that what are you saying No shut up And so the it's just things like that where it's okay we just don't click 

Taylor: [00:47:34] Now have you tried asking him to teach you

Justine: [00:47:37] It's like Amanda not wanting to learn Spanish but blaming her mother for not teaching her Spanish

  Taylor: [00:47:47] Your dad's a great guy He gave us a hill He gives us rides places 

Amanda: [00:47:51] And he will he'll do it all he'll complain He'll complain about it but he'll still do it that's just him It's just again we just don't connect Then my not the way me and my mom do I can have whole conversations with her but with my dad I just can't I honestly wouldn't even know what to talk to him about

Taylor: [00:48:10] So this is one of my later questions but I'm gonna bring it up now Would you in the future want your relationship with him to change Or are you okay with it Because it works for you too a deeper level meaning with him

Amanda: [00:48:29] It's yes and no Yes because he's my dad I want to know more I want to be able to talk to him obviously but no in the same time Cause His personality for certain Things it's just Like it irritates me Because he'll just He's quick to anger sexist also racist And so he'll say things and it just right away I'm just like all right I'm not even going to be in the same room with you Goodbye And so I don't go near him anymore And so he'll how else It's just I don't see him changing anytime soon you If anything it'll probably get worse His set And old people they sit in their ways Plus you not being confrontational doesn't help either No I have confronted him but it always Ends up not well because I don't explain things how why it's wrong I just what the fuck asshole done that I've done that Yes and then of course he's Who the hell do you think you're talking to like that And I'm like nobody that's how we argue 

Taylor: [00:49:35] what you're saying is you need relationship counseling 

Amanda: [00:49:40] And that's probably why my sister and my dad get along better than we do just no they don't really cause they fight they're always in each other's presence Like I don't go I just won't even be in his presence which sounds awful I know 

Justine: [00:49:57] So you you don't want to be in his presence because you don't know what to talk about with him?

Amanda: [00:50:03] That And I feel like every time we do talk it's It's superficial in a sense It's not it's I feel like it's not important It's like Why are we having this conversation to begin with ?

Taylor: [00:50:12] Have you ever sat down and had a conversation with him where you try to get to know him better? 

Amanda: [00:50:17] I have he he won't talk And I think a lot of that stems from  being embarrassed about it like I've gotten out of my mom that he never finished high school he was very troubled young. To my mom he used to hang with bad crowd And he could have gone a very different path In life had he 

Taylor: [00:50:40] I'm 

Amanda: [00:50:40] not quite sure what happened but somebody introduced him to cars and that was what saved him. 

Taylor: [00:50:47] But 

Amanda: [00:50:47] He won't talk about it I've asked him like oh what was it like w what did you do. And I even asked him like how'd you meet my mom? No Won't talk 

Taylor: [00:50:58] Wow that will did mom at least tell you how they met 

Amanda: [00:51:01] Yes Uncle It was through her uncle 

Taylor: [00:51:05] Okay There's something there 

Amanda: [00:51:08] Like I said it's just I feel like I wouldn't ever be able to get to know. I've even asked him his own father. Because he died when I think I was maybe two or two or three and he was in Puerto Rico on his own  he didn't have any family. So  when I found that out I was curious what was your relationship like with your father and was like fine I don't really remember it. And I know that's a lie Cause you were like nine years old when you came to the United States. How you not gonna remember that? 

Justine: [00:51:35] At least did try to make the effort and Yeah It is A two person job to improve relationships And if one person doesn't want to do that it's unfortunate But at least you did try Unlike you not learning Spanish 

Amanda: [00:51:54] All right All right There's still time I know mom is right there If you like Can we start teaching me Spanish now

Justine: [00:52:07] Just learn some Selena songs And then you can sing to your mom and be like Como la Flor and then she'd be like oh my God That way just kidding just kidding

Amanda: [00:52:23] That's just yeah It's not would say out of all three of us like my siblings I'm the one who's least closest to it's the two way issue I don't make it easy for people to get close to me either 

Taylor: [00:52:37] And that's Okay And thank you for sharing that Amanda. So your turn Justine. How does your culture define the parent child relationship father relationship. 

Justine: [00:52:49] That one I'm not exactly sure of because I would say I think just family in general or parents in general it's you're you need to respect your parents And do whatever they want to do but like the actual relationship that you have with them I'm thinking of my cousins and their relationship with their family and their parents And I feel like The dads are very involved or seem much more involved than my dad was So I think just from  observing them They are helping in the rearing process but they might not be as involved as the mother yeah I just I don't know because there's it's just to compare them as just so different

 Taylor: [00:53:44] Do you think that they're more involved because the of the American influence?

Justine: [00:53:51] So with my cousins we have the ones who are in London where very close to each other Like they'll talk to each other. I don't know You know how the rearing Was but again they seem to be very close to each other.. And then the rest are in the Philippines. I'm just remembering the like the dads. Again they seem they just seem much closer than compared to me and my dad or my my family the rest of them seem to have a better relationship  with their dads and their moms in general

Taylor: [00:54:26] Okay Awesome To answer my own question I think that within my culture, the man is supposed to be the head of the family Cause like you're matriarch and your patriarch normally your patriarch in the family more so is listened to then the matriarch. But it seems in my family we've flipped that on its head But when my grandfather was alive was the head of the household You came in he was It's just that respect but he didn't overlord it over the house So when other Males of that generation came into the household There was a very different interaction way they in their family's role w worked But looking at my family like the younger generations it's really more age related more so than male versus female that you respect the head of the family The oldest person in your family in your immediate family as a woman she's an she's the be all end all If it's a man he's the be all end all but going on that whole African diaspora and The broken black family and all that stuff I On a surface technically I am one But I don't know We just didn't didn't follow that And then with my siblings my brothers are both very good fathers there They are very involved in their children My oldest brother he's been Involved with his grandchildren as well I don't see that where the pathology happens where like you came from this situation it's supposed to keep going I think we just fought so hard not to have it happen That We don't fall all follow What is expected of us through society But Relationship between the father and his children and both of my brothers cases their daughters They are They're the involved they're the Loving nurturing provider like Amanda's father but they're also like brothers are also talkers They're also involved with learning And showing them okay I'm going to help you work on your science project or stuff like that.

 What makes a good father I think this will be our last question for the thing What do you think makes a good father

Justine: [00:56:56] It's like how you craft a good father when you have the experiences? I think. I feel like what I'm going to share is something that I would have wanted in a father. Because, yeah, because it's like why would I want a father who is very cut off? I'd like, I think, and also just. Parents in general, someone who is involved. But not too involved where it's like you, then you become dependent on them. You need to have that. Independent. Characteristic or building so that when you. You become an adult. You're not like, oh my God, I'm so dependent on new type of thing. Really, I feel like. I don't know how to answer that. I'm going to pause for a second and let Amanda go. 

Amanda: [00:57:46] Okay. Yeah. I guess what makes a good father Someone who is involved, someone who is Someone who. whoever the mother figure is. I think that's more or less that cause. I'm like, look, I'm basing this off my own father, because I personally, I think I have a great that yeah, we might not be close, but I think I still think he's great. But dunno, maybe affection. I don't know. 

Justine: [00:58:19] just depends on, your love language as well. Yeah. I think those are really great. Traits. 

Taylor: [00:58:26] Attributes. 

Justine: [00:58:26] Yeah taylor. 

Taylor: [00:58:28] Okay. So we've we did the provider thing. We did.  I'm going to add. Protective to that. A bro, a good protector. Both. I guess both physically and an emotional protector, the fact that sometimes. In what I've seen in most of my like cousins and stuff. The ones that come from positive. Fam male figures. There, the father is very protective of their daughter's hearts. So I've got folks that I know who have. All the background checks on potential suitors for their daughters. Like things like that. I think that makes a good person because you don't know what might be somebody's background. Cause sometimes people don't tell you stuff. think that's a good, that's a good thing. That'd be that little bit of pepper pinch of paranoia. Somebody who wants to somebody who has fun. I think that you do need that. I know mom is always going to be the hard-ass type deal, but at the same time, you also want to be able to go have fun with your dad at times. 

Amanda: [00:59:29] I 

Taylor: [00:59:29] Guess somebody who. I we've said the big ones they need to be involved. I think that's the one that think really. Makes sense. And to call back to Amanda and having to explain her birth control. Someone who's willing to learn the needs of their children. That's a big one. and also remembering their birthdays. 

Justine: [00:59:57] Did somebody, did I miss that somebody forgot their birthday? 

Taylor: [01:00:00] No, it's the joke. The, have you ever seen it's always the thing, mom always knows the kids' birthdays. She knows the anniversary. She knows all those things. And then you go and you ask dad and dad's I know they're 15, now that I'm 16. stuff like that. Jimmy Kimmel did a thing and it's one of my favorite Evers where they were asking people on the street. They got came. It was a dad, his wife and their three daughters. And they ask the data, simple question, what are your debts? What are your kids' birthdays? And he was like, oh, I know that. Cause we just had her birthday. And he said the date and she was like, Dad, my D my birthday was the different day. And he was like, oh, And the mom. They were like mom what are their birthdays? This was born on this date and that day. And they were like, okay, now who are their best friends? Oh, it's this one. And this one is, she used to be friends with this one, but she's not anymore. Just like knowing what your kids' interests are. I think that'll take you to a different level. does. It definitely does. 

Justine: [01:00:58] Okay. Got it. I think those are all like combined Amanda's and Taylor's stuff. All combined are really good traits for tabs. For the ultimate dad. 

Taylor: [01:01:12] That can only be one. So any, anything else? I think we do need a second. At one point, Amanda's  like, it sounds like I'm shitting on my dad, but we do want to say that we appreciate dads and father fingers and everybody who's out there, single fathers who were doing their best to take care of their kids, whether it's a son or a daughter. Stepdads who've stepped up to the plate. Adopted parents. We appreciate all that you do. None of this was said to. Piss anybody off or one way or another towards men. Who have children? Sorry. If anybody felt any sort of way, that was not an intention at all. This was just our opinions. Take it and leave it however you want. appreciate everything you do. Especially Amanda's  dad. All right. Thank you to the dads, uncles, brothers, cousins, godfathers, stepdads. What am I missing? Adopted dads. Godparents, all of you. You're amazing. And have a happy father's day.   

Thanks for listening to United AF as friends with us. 

Justine: [01:02:27] If you enjoyed today's episode, please like comment and share our conversation with your friends and family on our social media pages. 

Amanda: [01:02:35] Join us next time as we discuss what independence day means to us. 

Taylor: [01:02:39] And we're not talking about the movie. 

Yeah.