S 2 EP 4: Grief, Continued

There's so much to talk about grief and yet, we don't have those conversations with our family: how to mourn, what to do when someone dies, how to move on and how to prepare for death. We continue the conversation and touch on the topics that society hasn't prepared us for. 

Transcript

[00:00:23] Amanda: Hi guys. Welcome back to our discussion on grief. 

So let's just dive right back in. How have you dealt with the gap that. Just these people have left in your life. 

[00:00:33] Justine: I'm only laughing because that is Definitely just diving back in with no. 

Oh, Taylor looks. He's scared. 

[00:00:48] Taylor: I'm trying to figure out how I have, I. 

I keep. 

Living every day. That's how I do it. I do what I can to make them proud of me. try to. Do things in my life that would emulate those people. I try to make the best decisions. The best parts of me are a lot of these people. Because they molded me.

[00:01:09] Track 1: 

Oh, 

[00:01:11] Taylor: Fancy and stuff. I definitely read that in a book. Somebody probably. I maybe dunno. 

The best parts of me are these people. I try to. 

I try to give off the vibes of those warm and fuzzies that they gave me. And that's how I. Fill in those gaps a little bit at a time. They'll never be closed. Like people always say, oh, you need to get over it. Things like that now. They'll never be closed because they're a big part of your life. 

But you build a bridge. That's I'll say that there's always space underneath the bridge. There's still space there, but you can still move on to the next level of what you have to do. 

[00:01:54] Justine: So dealing with the gap. Because I didn't really talk to my mom very often and even my family. I didn't even see them often either. I'm very used to them not being around. So that's also the portion where I was like in such denial that she was gone because it's I don't normally see you anyway. And it still seems like you're here. 

The gap. 

How do I explain this? 

I feel like there. Okay. How did you deal with. I felt I dealt with the gap with the support groups. 

And yeah, sometimes it's I'll take the time to. Cry about it. And then. What I've decided is to. 

Bring her along when I travel. And I do that with some of the rings that I've resized or some of her rings that I've resized. And that way she's always wanted to travel and I've always denied her, especially when she wanted to travel with me. So at least I can bring her along and that way she can travel. So I think that's a way that I've dealt with that gap. 

And like I shared with you guys. I th it was an idea that I think I might do. Depending on the whole COVID, restrictions and all that for her two year anniversary. Take a trip and either go to San Diego or possibly somewhere in Europe, because again, she wants to travel and I know she always wanted to stay in a castle. 

As well, and she. Somehow found an Airbnb in a castle. I don't how legit that is, but she's she wants to do that. And she did show me pictures and whatever. So it's either San Diego or finding a castle to stay in, but at the same time Versailles, does have a hotel. 

And you know how much I love Versailles 

so I think it's. Yeah. Keeping her in my life, in that aspect. I think those are the main things. 

[00:03:54] Amanda: Dealing with the gap from my grandmother. It's really just spending time more time with my aunt. My aunt was her primary caregiver. They lived together my next door. And since her passing I didn't know this. But my grandma actually asked my mother. 

It was years ago when she was first hospitalized, I think I was still in middle school. When it first happened. And then she had asked my mom, when I'm gone from this world, Take care of Augie. Like mom take care of her. And 

we unconsciously costly 

subconsciously. Have been doing that. Like it's not, we weren't really planning on it, but it's just It's oh, gee, come get some dinner, com. That's why let's have a movie day and things like that. We've been doing. And like just hanging around my aunt, like just just, I don't know. I just feel like my grandma's still around and in a way. 

That's sweet. And, 

and um, that's how I've dealt with that. 

For my dog. 

I'm actually in the process of getting an urn made room. Cause in New Jersey it's by law, you have to get your pets cremated. 

[00:05:03] Track 1: Oh, 

[00:05:05] Amanda: Yeah, you can't bury them here in Jersey. 

Yeah, wrinkle in my brain. 

[00:05:11] Track 1: I think they just, they didn't put my brother's dog in a cemetery. They just, I think they buried him in the back of my aunt's house. 

[00:05:19] Track 2: Breaking the law. Hey, you get away with it. Yeah, no, I got him obviously I got him committed and it was like the most basic little box that they give you. I've been talking to someone on Etsy and like they hand. Sculpt. Or in that. Look like your dog.

[00:05:37] Track 1: Oh, 

[00:05:38] Track 2: so I'm in the process of getting that done. It'll be months though. The lady was just like, these are like month long projects. Cause you know, it's all handmade and. 

So, you know, That's part of the ways that I'm coping. Debating on whether or not I should get another dog. I don't know. 

Not so much to replace him cause he's just not replaceable, but just to have that companionship again. 

[00:06:00] Track 1: Yeah. 

That's understandable. 

[00:06:04] Track 2: Did you get a puppy or would you look into an older dog? 

Probably a puppy, which is why I don't have the time to do it right now. I need to Get shit. Settle at work. First. Cause right now it's a big, hectic over there. But yeah, probably got a puppy and I would have to find someplace to get set puppy because I don't like breeders. Like 

[00:06:23] Track 1: there's a lot of shelters though, that, that have puppies. 

they.

just get, yeah, they, do

[00:06:31] Track 2: I have a lot around. There's a lot of shelters around 

[00:06:34] Track 1: Yeah. And it's just that they do get snatched up very quickly because everybody wants puppies. So you just have to keep your eye out, follow a few of I still follow. Some of them that are in New York and even in LA and they have puppies. It's just, yeah. And then.

[00:06:49] Track 2: And the puppy bowl is coming up and they always have

them up. They always advertise them from different shelters. And then also there's always a lot that go on. So I think animal planet has one that they sh they show, I think they're the original puppy bowl, but then there's two other ones they'll have knockoffs that happened at the same time. 

[00:07:09] Track 1: So when you get another dog, 

Would you let that dog use Oreo stuff? 

[00:07:18] Track 2: Oh, That's a good question. Yes, it is. I don't. The way we pads, if I don't give it to them, by the time I get 

[00:07:25] Track 1: Yeah. 

[00:07:26] Track 2: That. I don't think you're a little emotionally.

[00:07:30] Track 1: Attached to them. 

[00:07:34] Track 2: 

So his toys. Maybe because by, by the end he stopped playing with them, the last couple of months, he wasn't interested in toys at all. 

So his beds. So I actually had three beds for him. And some of them are , still really new. It was when I first moved into the apartment that I bought them. So that way he had a bed in every room. 'cause I'm just extra that way. And Those I probably would. Because they were still new. He hadn't really leave them for that long. 

But the other bed. I've had I had it for, he had that one for about two years. That was, I bought that one when he got diagnosed, like with his pre IVD to help him with his joints. I don't know. I don't know about that one. But that same time. It's what do I do with the bed? 

[00:08:20] Track 1: Would you donate it? 

[00:08:22] Track 2: I don't know.

[00:08:23] Track 1: If you decide not to keep it. 

If you decide to keep it obviously and not use it and just keep it in memoriam. But yeah, if you do decide to donate it, if you want to get rid, not necessarily want to get rid of it, but, 

He said another dog. He can use it. 

[00:08:38] Track 2: I know it's just. It was my dog. 

[00:08:41] Track 1: I know. Not rushing you or anything yet. It's. I could have probably It's too early to ask these questions. It was like when I saw Taylor space, I 

[00:08:51] Track 2: Marie Kondo her. 

[00:08:53] Track 1: No. And. When I saw Taylor's face, I was like, I don't know if that's the. That's too early to ask that question or, you know 

what. 

[00:09:01] Track 2: made a 

[00:09:01] Track 1: T. Yeah. Taylor made a face. 

And then she said, that's a really good question. So it was like, okay. 

[00:09:11] Track 2: No. See, I made that face. I'm trying to remember what it was when I made that face for a different reason.

 It wasn't good question. I think it was, I made that face because I didn't think about that. 

I was like, Ooh, that's a good question. Yeah. But the, when you're like, will you give them to them? Also just a month 

[00:09:26] Track 1: I know this. That's why I'm not. So, So one, I didn't want to ask that question. Cause I know like, normally I feel like anyone who loses the pet and and you tell somebody they're like, oh, so are you going to plan to get another one? No. Why would you ask that question? That's why I was holding off on that question. 

Because,, that just recently happened and. You. I don't need to get another pet right away. So you need to grieve for your pet. But since you shared that with us, That's my questions came up.

[00:09:57] Track 2: no, I do want another one. Cause it's I want that companionship again. That was my buddy. And my was buddy. But I'm just not prepared for, to deal with having, cause I remember when my It was a puppy and it wasn't easy. It's trying to do the training. And then, because he was part of a litter At nighttime, it was time to go to sleep. 

Our dog night long because, and cried really was more like whimpering and crying because he was alone and he wasn't used to that. So it's if I go that out again, it's I gotta be prepared for all this all over again. 

[00:10:27] Track 1: I guess, why would you want a puppy? A, not like a one-year old. 

[00:10:31] Track 2: I would be Okay.

with the one-year-old. I just want something, I just want a dog that's like young, because I want them for a low.

I'm on for a

long span time. Like I want to, for a while. 

[00:10:40] Track 1: Well, I mean, 

You'll also have a there's a lot of one year. Like one year olds and younger puppies too, and not necessarily sorry, younger dogs and not necessarily puppy. So I think you'll be fine with your search. 

When you're ready for that. 

[00:10:53] Track 2: Yeah. And my thing is do. 

I think I would want to stick with the Shih Tzu just because I'm, it's what I'm used to too. 

[00:11:00] Track 1: Okay.

[00:11:01] Track 2: though I found out. So when I did a doggy DNA test before dog pass, because he didn't look like a normal Shih Tzu. Like you didn't look like the, The normal characteristics especially cause he was much long. If I felt he was the longer.

I found out, not a pure Shih Tzu 

[00:11:18] Track 1: oh, what is 

[00:11:19] Track 2: He?

was mixed with Yorkie. 

[00:11:21] Track 1: Ah, okay. Okay. 

[00:11:23] Track 2: He was mixed with a Yorkie and. I can't even pronounce it. Like Alaska abso or some

[00:11:28] Track 1: Yeah. 

[00:11:29] Track 2: Yeah, which is similar. I looked, I had to Google that. When I was like, what the hell is this? It looks like a Shitzu. But not really. 

[00:11:36] Track 1: Okay.

[00:11:37] Track 2: So I would just probably want like a smaller breed. Definitely. Never Chihuahua. 

[00:11:42] Track 1: Mine was a long haired Chihuahua. 

[00:11:45] Track 2: I know. And he was like, woah. But I've just not. I can deal with those. A little bark and know that barking. 

[00:11:54] Track 1: I think it's more on the, the personality and how you're training. As well. Because you can have, obviously mellow dogs that don't really bark at all and things like that. And how you train them? Again, but. It's up to you. 

[00:12:09] Track 2: Yeah, I probably would get like a smaller breed, like a Shitzu Yorkie multi-step thing. Terrier of some time. She would eat. 

I think there's funny looking. 

Only because I don't know if I'm able to handle a large breed, even though I want one I've always wanted a pit bull to be honest, but I don't know if I'd be able to handle like that strength and that energy. 

[00:12:41] Track 2: I don't even know where we're going with this, but next question. Next question. We were following the rigid points because we're not allowed to veer off subjects. Okay. Then back to the rigid point. 

And does the grief linger still in your consciousness? 

[00:12:59] Track 1: I would say so. 

From time to time, grief comes in waves. And I think that also answers. Does your grief ever cause you to do something impulsive? That's the next question? 

So it does tie into that because the grief does come in waves. And so I guess lingering. I guess if you want to define lingering as well, too much, but it's someone in the back of my mind, time to time, but I feel like it's just more of waves for me. 

[00:13:30] Track 2: Little waves or tidal waves. 

[00:13:33] Track 1: Previously, it has been tidal waves. 

[00:13:36] Track 2: Okay.

[00:13:37] Track 1: But recently, I feel like it's more of little waves. 

[00:13:42] Track 2: Yeah, for me, that's like the little waves that laugh at your toes.

When you're standing on the edge of the beach. That's what mine are like. Oh, not here. 

I think I'm there. 

Yeah.

that's, I'm going to agree with you, Taylor that's. 

Kind of. Where I'm at too. It's sometimes it'll just kinda come out of nowhere. It's oh, When my nephew was born. Big events, like that was like my grandmother. Isn't here to see this now. That's oh God. Damn. 

[00:14:12] Track 1: I guess, how do you guys feel about that? Because I definitely did think of that. When my mom passed away because. I'm still young. Where there's so many things that can happen in my life, that she can see that she could have seen. And how I feel about marriage and having kids, but at. 

That time or like when I was having those thoughts, I was like, maybe I should get married. Maybe I should have kids, but then it's more of doing that for her. Versus doing that for me. And so that's when I was fighting with myself. And saying, no, I'm not going to get married 

just because it's for my mom. Or having kids just because it's for her. And she, it, that could have been something that she's, she could've seen. But I definitely did have those thoughts. 

And obviously that made me really sad because she wouldn't be able to see that. 

[00:15:06] Track 2: No, I haven't had the same thing. Not to that extent. from my grandmother. I was just upset that she didn't get to see me graduate college.

Cause, I just started, she made it seem it as my high school graduation. I just want her to make it to my college graduation. After that I would be fine. 

But that's the only regret out of it. So then. I would have had, at least I wanted to have at least one grandparent. Apparent there. 

That case a rod didn't happen. There were there with me in spirit. 

Sometimes. I do with like my grandmother. Cause. 

We've had events in the past, like my cousin's weddings. Their kids being born, even my brothers could be more than my sisters. And then it's Not that I think it'll ever happen with me. Cause it's not something I want. Same has just seen. Marriage and kids. But it's if it, whichever happened. 

It's like now she's not here. Now, she's not going to even know that I did all of this and she would have been so happy. She loved them. We did. We had like milestones, like life events. And she was always just so proud of us when we did it. 

Yeah, damn. 

Oh, God. Yeah. Okay. And I'm thinking about it more now. Yeah. And it's just Oh, that is suppressing thought. 

No cause It's the thing you want to make them happy. It's you want them to be happy? Cause like with my grandmother, her. want her to see me graduate college. Because she didn't get to go to college. But she was very happy that her kids got to go and she saw us do those things. I wanted that for her. 

Just to see this is what your family has done so I can see how you feel that way about your grandmother. Even now. When I just became manager in December, 

And if I were to tell her, oh my God, look, mama. I'm now a manager. She would've just been like over the moon because like success. Yay. Especially because she never ha same as you Taylor, she married her husband at 18. It's just started popping kids out left and right. Really. And she worked a little bit. 

Especially when she came to the us, because she had to take care of all those kids on her own. But she never got to have the opportunities that my cousins and I didn't even hers, her. Her children had to go to school. To get the college degree, to have an actual career. And so whenever we would, show her these things look, I got straight A's in school. Look, I have my degree now. And she would just be so happy. So happy. 

She's always so proud whenever we got, we like. Did those things. 

It just sucks that now it's actually, can't see the rest of it. 

Kind of hit me now. 

And spirit look, she's there with you right now in spirit. Yeah.

[00:17:55] Track 1: And. Like you said, and this is also why you wanted to do this topic. you haven't had the opportunity to really talk about it. And so yeah, now that you're actually talking about it, it is going to hit you and don't be PA don't be like, not that it is hitting you now because you didn't have the opportunity to talk about it before. 

Just let it happen. This is why we all have tissues and towels just in case there is the waterworks. Where you were. But Taylor and I were like, did you, do you have your tissue box? I'm like, I've got my toe, my towels here. And we're all prepared. 

[00:18:31] Track 2: Look at. Just these completely right before we started recording this. 

Just seeing made me go get a box of tissues. I was like, I don't have tissues anymore. She. Because you need to go and get some now. 

It does. We're hitting really strong, emotional moments. Okay. Complete sidebar. I think we've turned this into our own form of therapy. And I just want to point that out this podcast. With the three of us is free therapy 

[00:19:01] Track 1: I completely agree with you. I 

agree with you a hundred percent. 

[00:19:13] Track 2: I guess the next question.

Did the grief ever caused you to do something impulsive? 

I was close with my dog. 'cause. I was just so lonely. I was already like looking at okay how much would it cost? To get into the dog and like to get, Puppy food and get a new crate. And so I could create a chain of them and all this other stuff. And I was close to the sites are like putting in applications for, to adopt a dog and all this other stuff. 

Then I was like, whoa. Comment down, girl, you're not ready for this. 

So I was close though. 

I was close. But oddly enough, that was my dad, who was the one who was just like how are you going to do this? You're always working. And I was like, oh, that's true. 'cause before I was in high school. When I had my dog, it was much easier to deal with all that. 

And then I, I was, 

Ah, damn. The bad really saved me there. I probably wouldn't not. I'd be struggling. If I had a dog now with. All this stuff's going on at work. I've just been like, oh, and I would've regretted it. And I might've even come to resent the dog. So it's 

It's a good thing. It didn't happen just yet. 

[00:20:25] Track 1: Doggie.

[00:20:27] Track 2: It imaginary dog. That doesn't happen for that property. 

[00:20:30] Track 1: No. Um, I definitely did do something impulsive.

And it was a it's again, the grief that's coming in waves. And at that point, I guess it was more of a tidal wave. Because there was a time that there, I think it was like what the span of a few days. And I told you guys this as well. I was just constantly eating toast. Nutella. Even though I wasn't hungry. 

And it was just like, just wanting to eat it and just like nonstop. I think I probably even finished the whole bag of bread because I just couldn't stop eating it. And I had no idea why. And, obviously I'm just asking myself, why is this going on? And all that. And then I'm like, you know what, maybe it is grief. Maybe it's me. It maybe it's my body saying you need to just stop angry for a second. 

And. When I finally acknowledged that and allowed myself to grieve. It stopped. And I was just like, okay. If it, if I have these odd. UN on, abnormal behaviors. I'm going to just. I should acknowledge that it could potentially be grieving and Recognize that because if you, once you recognize it, it's like, 

It does it. I didn't eat any more of than your tele and toast, even though it's very yummy, but. I was really, I was just like, I don't know what's going on. Why am I eating so much toast, even though I'm not hungry? So that was the main impulsive thing that that it made me do. 

[00:22:07] Track 2: Yeah, no, I know this was my question. I don't have. I've never done anything impulsive due to grief that I can identify, or even kind of pinpoint. To it. 

[00:22:19] Track 1: That's fine. I guess why did you come up with that question? Or how did you come up with that question? 

[00:22:25] Track 2: I came up with that question because I know people who do. 

When they're in those moments like that, several things I've seen where people have done, impulse buys like this, person's gone. Okay. I need to do this. I'm going to immediately fly here. I'm going to go there. I'm going to do that. People do things in their grief to help them process. And sometimes. 

It. Very is harmful sometime like you pick up smoking, you pick up. You sent her brother was drinking.

Those are the impulses that come around because your brain is trying to figure it out. Is something that I guess crocheting is my, but it's not impulsive. I've just done it for forever. Because of that. That's the me and my grandmother forever. The two muscle, the only ones that did it. 

So that's what I identify with her. That's the one thing I can separate and say that was my time with her and that's something I do. And it reminds me of her, but. I've never done anything impulsive, but I think that's also because of my personality and that I have to plan. 

Things out for so long get to it. But yeah, no. But I've always been curious to see. 

If I bought a 6,000 that light, I bought a sound, the other watch, stuff like that. Not to say that I did.

But people dose things in their grief. 

[00:23:42] Track 1: I mean, 

[00:23:42] Track 2: I went out and bought. I'm sorry, what. 

[00:23:46] Track 1: My cousin was even like, you should just take. Yeah, no, my cousin was just. Like you should take six months to just travel. And, I'm just like why would I want to do that? Like I get some people can just do that, but I'm just like, I can't. 

 Yeah. I'm okay. There just stays like, sometimes I'll just stare at her picture that you can see right over there.

[00:24:08] Track 2: you behind you. 

[00:24:09] Track 1: Yes. And. You know, cry a bit. And then all of that stuff, but I also recently bought her some chocolate. Switched it out. Out with the Kit-Kat cause it's been there for awhile and recently I always, I always say, oh, I got to get the fingers because that's one of her favorites. So. 

I ate one of the boxes already. 

[00:24:34] Track 2: So that's a question I have called really is offerings. Big thing. 

[00:24:39] Track 1: Aye. Aye.

I don't know if it's a religious thing. But I've definitely seen it. I don't know. It's, it's hard to tell, I guess, I don't know. Amanda since you're also Catholic or your family's Catholic. So with us, or like maybe what I've seen is that they've always left candy , their favorite treats or whatever. 

Just so that they can. Eat it like it doesn't have to be in any, it can be any time. It doesn't have to necessarily be in a specific timeframe. But I know My family does that. 

[00:25:13] Track 2: We don't leave little candies. And I think that we do have alters. So for my grandmother and my aunt, I had one. She actually has a whole. A chair, she had it a specific chair that was hers. No, one's allowed to sit in it. And on that chair. 

It's this blanket that someone got her for either her birthday or Christmas. One of those personalized ones with Gothic, the pictures of the whole family on it. One of the few times that we would gather. And it was all of us, all the grandkids, great grandkids. And you know, we have her photo on there. 

Her favorite rosaries with her? And one of her statues. It's the Virgin Mary, a version of the Virgin, Mary. 'cause like every Hispanic country has their own version. Did not know that I just thought there was one Virgin, Mary. Okay, cool. Well, It's the same version of Mary, but they all. 

Clara lose something different. So I think it's like so, and in Mexico it's like, Levine. like that. And Puerto Rico, we call her.

[00:26:13] Track 1: after. 

[00:26:16] Track 2: I think in a portable they color 

I think that's what she's called or something like that, but it's, it's basically all the same Virgin, Mary it's just. She looked different. She looked different. But it's the whole of the same woman. Okay, thank you guys for that educational letter. I was just trying to figure out, because like, I know. 

Buddhist culture and stuff like that. I know they do offerings to the dead and stuff like that. I've never heard it in other, like in Catholics. I never heard it before. So that's why I'm like, okay. Is that cultural or is that religious? 

Thank you guys for that education. I need to ask more classically questions. Well,

[00:26:54] Track 1: cultural 

[00:26:55] Track 2: Yeah. So like, Well, if you you've got a shrine. Essentially. Basically. Like. 

To me, those are two different levels of the same thing. 

[00:27:07] Track 1: Mm. 

[00:27:11] Track 2: She has her like a whole, all of our creature comforts are together.

[00:27:15] Track 1: Yeah. So, yeah, like my when we had my mom's service for her one year, my brother ordered her favorite ice cream, but also like ate only a part of it and then gave the rest of her. 

[00:27:29] Track 2: Sweet. 

[00:27:30] Track 1: So I'm going to eat that box soon though. Because it's not just going to sit there. I'm mom. You had your fill.

[00:27:43] Track 2: in it, but not completely. 

[00:27:45] Track 1: Well, also, you are not gonna leave. I mean, like depends on, the food and I think, so my brother's wife asked it. Ask the question because she also didn't know about the whole offerings things. And she's like, so what do you do? Is it, you just leave it there. Do you just throw out the food afterwards or do you eat it afterwards? how long do you leave it there and all that stuff? 

And my brother was like, nah, I mean, and my aunt too, kind of chimed in. I think it just depends on the food. You're leaving obviously perishable food. And, you know, for a few days or whatever, like definitely throw it out. But. If it's candy. Andy. You can definitely eat it. 

Because. You're not going to leave it there. And it's still good. 

 I did leave out candy canes but I don't get candy cane, so I just threw it out. 

[00:28:41] Track 2: So. 

Oh, yeah, grieving, openly and fair in private. They're like. Did you have to hide it? To just answered.

[00:28:52] Track 1: Yeah. I said that I hit it in front of and when I was with family and I still continue to hide it, I only. Grieve in my room and, and quietly as well. Yeah, I guess the only grief that I've done openly is when I participate in the grief support group. 

[00:29:08] Track 2: I don't. Hide it in front of my family. 

I'm emotional. I'm not one. Who's always crying. Unless I'm home. And something's happening. But a work with friends and at school. A lot of times, because. Like I said, life has to keep moving on. I will just. I don't say anything unless I have to leave at this. 

Time. I remember. My cousin died. In 2015 when I was at work. I just, I left work, went to her funeral and came back and they were just kind of mind blown. But. And you're like, You're coming back. I said, yeah. 

Why is. In the back of my head, I'm like, see, this is why I don't normally tell people. I just go. I don't say that. Cause in the culture that I'm working with, it's, it's really big. Thing. And they don't expect you to come back in those things and I'm like, I got more stuff to do. I got bills to pay. I got to be here. 

And because this is the cousin I don't get time off anyway. So I'm taking personal time to go. 

And it's also the, you don't want the . I'm so sorry for your loss face. And then people constantly checking in on you, 

it's hard. It's that weird thing. Where you're happy that people. Want to say the right things and do it. And you know that sometimes they're coming from truly genuine places. But you're not ready to receive that. Or you've gotten to that point where you're like, look. I'm fine. This is what you're expecting of me, but this is just not what's going to happen. So it was like, 

When my own father passed away, I didn't tell nobody. It was, it was weeks. It was months, years in some regards before I said anything I don't need you to feel sorry for me, because you don't know my situation anyway, we didn't have a relationship, but that was my father. everyone expected. Oh, you're so heartbroken and stuff. I'm like, ah, 

Okay. 

It's another day. 

I have stuff to do, To go back to the. This is your way of getting through things and stuff like that. You're not supposed to let other people feel bad about you. It is going to make me seem like a shitty human, but he died on my winter break. And everything that was going on with my family at that time. Because it was, 

overlaps between. I mean him and my grandmother finding out they had cancer. And then that was a whole. Thing with there was so much going off on, in my own household, taking care of my grandmother. And then at the same time, my brothers are dealing with our father and then the expectations of, okay, well, you need to say goodbye to him, but do I, at the same time, I'm like a. 

It's not the same thing, have all that happened all at once. And then I got really pissed off cause I was like, okay, finally, I'm going to get some time to relax after this whirlwind of. 

I want to say six months from my grandmother getting diagnosed to passing away. In that now I can, I can breathe and I can relax and I don't have anything to worry about now with school. 

And then that happened. I was just really mad. 

 This is not how I wanted my in-between semesters to be happening right now. You can't predict things. And I was just, so I was just, I was angry. At the disruption that it caused in my life. And then I was like, I can't talk to anyone about this because it makes me look like a really shitty human. 

[00:32:44] Track 1: I mean, I don't think you look like a shitty human because. 

because. you are, you. You know, you're anticipating for you to relax. Right into have your alone time, because you had such a really stressful. Few months. So you're looking forward to that and relaxing. And when you're looking forward to something and yeah, something else comes. 

I would be angry too. It's like, Ugh. Great. And on top of that, you weren't close to your dad. So. I would completely, I. I'm not close to my dad. So if that were to happen, I'd just be like, Okay. I'll be at the funeral. If you want me to be there. 

[00:33:21] Track 2: Yeah. Yeah. That was the thing. I was like, ah, I'll go cause I want to be there for my siblings. 

 In terms of my grief and, so I was very much like Justine where, didn't show my grief to anyone. I remember, when my aunt and my mom came home from the hospital early in the morning, He goes at 4 35 in the morning, came in, as soon as I heard the door open, I like ran out of my room, met them in the living room.

And that's when my, now my aunt, she was just like, oh, we lost mama. And I'm just like, and I felt my eyes watering up and like how she's okay, hold it in. Don't do it. And, I went back into my room, close my door, and then I let it out. Like I just didn't, I don't know.

I just, I didn't really want to, haven't tried to comfort me when I'm crying. I just wanted to be loud and just, it one of course crying at least. And, No one was then I came out of the room basically. And at that point, that was when, my sister had woken up and then they told her, and then she started crying. So I kinda just went back in my room. she never felt the need to always hide. So two different, two totally different approaches there, Both valid.

Yeah, no, I know, but that kind of goes hand in hand with my next question where it's did you feel like other people's reactions supported or hindered your grieving process? it did neither from me, it was more of I don't know how to react type of thing. Like I said, I've told, I've said many times, I'm not that in tune with my emotions. So when other people get emotional around me, I'm like, I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to do.

So when my cousins and it wasn't many of them actually quite actually a few of them similar to me. We didn't really, we weren't like sobbing, crying or anything like that. We got a little teary-eyed, but. For the most part, we weren't, very overly emotional, but I had others who were, and I w I won't forget, but my cousin came to me and hugged me.

He started crying and I just I didn't know what to do there at all. I remember just hugging back and going, like tapping her back. I didn't know what to do. 

[00:35:44] Track 1: I do the Same thing. 

[00:35:48] Track 2: Like I could have a course on just how to properly console other people would 

[00:35:52] Track 1: Yes. We 

[00:35:53] Track 2: Apparently. Yes, we really do yes, so like it didn't, I don't want to say didn't help. It didn't really, I guess their reactions to my grandmother's loss, it just in essence, it made me feel like I wasn't grieving enough that I really felt like something was wrong. Like, why am I not as sad as some of these individuals? I know, I know. No, it wasn't until you guys started talking to things that I was like, okay, so maybe there's nothing wrong with me here. 

[00:36:23] Track 1: Yeah. we Let's reiterate to the world. that the way that you grieve. is completely fine, there is no right or wrong way to do that. 

 When my mom passed away. And I know I said that my family didn't really support, or my aunts didn't really support. I remember that when I did come home. One, when I shared the news that my mom passed away. You guys gave me call my flatmate at the time, came into my room and gave me a hug and she was even crying. 

And she never met my mom. And then my cousin, from London called me. So I had that. And then when I got home, Sorry. When I got to Jersey, I know that my Tita Susan was the one who hugged me and she was like, it's okay to cry. If you want to cry, feel free to cry. And so I remember that 

And then 

 My mom's coworker had set up a go fund, me page for her and all that other stuff. And just reading all of the cards that we got for her and all of the nice notes that everyone had about my mom. It's just really nice to see that. 

Because it was a different side that I didn't see. Everyone was like, she was the nicest person, so helpful and everything. And I was always like I just saw her as the one who complained all the time and she was really annoying. So it was just really nice to see. Again, how she was remembered by other people. 

And I remember thinking , if we actually had the funeral at the time, I probably wouldn't have been able to hold anything together because of all of the love that people have for her. So I thought that was really nice. And then I know I would be, I was annoyed with my aunt because she was always like, oh, did your mom visit you in your sleep or in your dreams? 

Cause your brother had a dream of her and she was visiting him. And just wow. Do you ask. that that's not necessary. Type of thing and then it's the whole religious thing, but I remember. Getting annoyed with that. 

[00:38:32] Track 1: I guess this is also somewhat of another question. How do you guys feel when. People, when you tell that your mother passed away or your family member passed away and they're like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like their reaction and they also don't know. How to carry on the conversation afterwards. 

And it's so awkward for them and it's just yeah just cause sometimes it just comes up in conversation and you're just like, yeah. My mother passed away. And dah. And they were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. But then they don't know how to continue. 

[00:39:04] Track 2: Yeah, I know I've had one locked and loaded in the chamber for this. Cause mine is always you didn't kill her, so it's Okay. 

And we just move on. 

[00:39:15] Track 1: We had this reaction. 

But that's how people, cope with it. Taylor's is humor. So She's yeah. She'll say something like that. Because then it eases the tension, but and how they feel uncomfortable in that situation. 

[00:39:32] Track 2: You always feel obligated to put the other person at ease, almost like. I didn't tell any of my coworkers that my grandmother had passed. I only told my boss and, Because they had to mark me, obviously I was going to be out for awhile and he had to also mark my bereavement leave. So when I came back, people were making like comments oh, you took a vacation during audit. Oh, you took off and during audit. And I'm like, no, my, my grandmother passed. And they were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I was like, and then, because I felt that. I was just like, no, she was 93. She had a really long life and she's no longer suffering, I had to put them at ease, mind you, they were the assholes who were 

[00:40:12] Track 1: To be honest. So Amanda, if they say. I probably would have done like a mean joke, including my dead grandmother and that back to them. 

But that's the cynical person in me. 

[00:40:25] Track 2: giving you the best advice in Adda, different situations. There's out awkward. The other person that's really. say there, did people's reaction help or hinder your grief process? I'm in a I'm yeah, sorta solo. When it's something that affects me directly. I look to my mother for her reaction and how I need to go and port myself. But if I'm in a isolated situation from her, when Tiffany's boyfriend pass away, 

When David passed away, I was like shell shock because it happened so fast. It was over a holiday and it was over Thanksgiving and everybody, and my, and that's my least favorite holiday. Cause everyone in my big , family members always passed away around that time.

So my mom, my grandmother, Thanksgiving's not my favorite holiday and that whole time. So it happened for him also. I was already shaken, but. I didn't. I cried when I hugged Tiffany, because she was so emotional and I'm very empathetic. And if you're crying, I want to cry with you. Cause I know that'll make you feel like I'm with you because there was nothing I could say to add levity to that. Because the atmosphere, when we walked into the funeral home, his family singing and everything, there was no way I could handle that situation.

Cause it was just, the room was so charged because he was so young and it happened just like it was, she was like I told him I loved him. I went home that night and then he was gone by the morning, 

[00:42:19] Track 1: Yeah. I remember that they got into an argument. 

[00:42:24] Track 2: Okay. So my brain has been a couple of years. My brain is off. I'm sorry. But I do remember her saying she was like, I just saw him 

[00:42:30] Track 1: Yeah. 

[00:42:31] Track 2: and then that's she was in love with him, like that is so devastating and it didn't make me uncomfortable. It was just like, I was at a loss of how to handle that situation. So my normal way of reaction did not work. So my waterworks came out and I was like, I rarely do that with another person. And I did that and I was like, okay. I don't know what else I can't help you. All I can do is give you a hug that I think that was my most fish out of water moment in grief for me. I remember that time. not again, not knowing what to do. How do I help Tiffany? I have no idea. It was more of a, just all right. Let her come to us. I figured, okay. She'll come to us when she's ready to talk to us again and hang out with us again. 

[00:43:34] Track 1: Yeah, My solution at that time. was oh, let me take her out. And that's why we took a trip of eventually.. But that's, not understanding. How people grieve because we're not educated in that. I think that was like the first. Major for me, that was the first major death to happen to our friends. 

Sorry. No, John. Johnson's. father.

But, it was just so more, it was closed. Cause we've hung out with him, so it was just very, yeah, I didn't know how to handle that. situation. At all And yeah, I thought that bringing her to Europe would be a good remedy for that, but it wasn't because she wasn't sleeping at all.

[00:44:21] Track 2: No. 

[00:44:21] Track 1: And all of that stuff I won't get

[00:44:23] Track 2: a room over there. 

[00:44:24] Track 1: Yeah. It definitely, Just not being educated in that Was not the smartest idea. 

But can I go off on A tangent or share something. Cause it's still on grief. We're still on the topic, but I'm veering off A little bit. 

[00:44:42] Track 2: The only one that's pointing this stuff out. 

[00:44:45] Track 1: Also, you put it out earlier that we're doing really good at

staying. 

[00:44:50] Track 2: I think all three of us at one point pointed it 

[00:44:52] Track 1: Okay, fine. Fine. Okay. So when John first came to London, We were actually having drinks before we were going to. See prince Of Egypt. The lovely musical. 

And um, Oh God. And so we were talking and he, I think he was the one who brought up about my mom. And so I was like, oh, this is very interesting that we're going to have this conversation and a little pub before we, go see musical and all that stuff. I forgot exactly what he was sharing. Obviously his condolences and everything and asking how I was feeling, how I was coping and. 

All of that stuff. So we, talking about it. And I brought up his father and I apologize. I was like, in high school, I didn't know how to react. And now I see, because obviously I had a death that directly affected me. I have a better understanding of how grief is and how. 

A friend should have been and should have reacted to be supportive. And obviously in that sense in high school, you don't know how to be. And so I was just like, I'm So sorry that I wasn't there to be supportive for you in any way that you wanted to have. And then we were just talking about How it's affecting for the rest of the lives. And it's just getting teary-eyed in a pub. It was very interesting to have that type of conversation, but it was also really nice. To talk to him. And I was like how, like I forget the exact question, but it was, his answer was like, it was just nice to have a sense of community to be able to talk with another person who has lost a parent. I guess that was my question of like, how do you feel To, to be able to find somebody or talk to somebody who's lost a parent or who has lost a loved one. And he was like, it's definitely more of a sense of community because I feel. Because we don't talk about death and we don't talk about grief. You don't have anybody to really talk to. And so when you do finally have, it it's more of a sense of community And that way you can talk about your loved one whenever you want to, or at least have a better understanding 

of the grieving process. 

So that's my little story. With John. 

[00:47:08] Track 2: That's nice, but in that time you did do it. This is me as a person who is friends with John too. In that time. Yeah, you did step up though. I know you feel like you didn't do enough. I remember we brought food to his house. 

[00:47:26] Track 1: Oh, We did. 

[00:47:28] Track 2: We did, 

[00:47:28] Track 1: Okay. 

[00:47:29] Track 2: I brought a cake and you brought stuff from the bakery. 

[00:47:32] Track 1: Oh, okay. 

[00:47:33] Track 2: And we went over to his house and we were there for him in that I remember the service was private for his family, but we did this is you not having a great memory.

We did. Talk to him around that time 

[00:47:48] Track 1: Okay. 

thank you for. 

[00:47:52] Track 2: from reminding you that you showed up. 

[00:47:56] Track 1: I guess I also felt like maybe. We could have, I could have done more. 

But it also depends on the person, if they want to have that type of, support from whomever, maybe they just want support from their family. Where they want to deal with it, privately, whatever it is. But I guess at least you and I said, Hey, we're here. If you need anything. And if you want to reach out to us, 

It's similar to the train of thought and the Amanda had, if you want to reach out to us. We're here. All you need to do is just, Message us or something. So it totally depends on the 

[00:48:41] Track 2: So then with that, moving to this question then, were there any feelings that made you uncomfortable during your grieving process? I think I already answered those questions while I'm going to outline it. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'll start with this because there were just one, so there was a lot of guilt afterwards. You're both my dog and my grandmother. 

[00:49:08] Track 1: As part of the grieving process is guilt, Right? 

[00:49:11] Track 2: Oh, I thought she met somebody else was making her feel guilty. I was about to fight 

[00:49:15] Track 1: that's what I was like, why are you looking like that, 

[00:49:22] Track 2: My brain went to other family members causing drama. Oh, you know what? I was anticipating that I remember you telling me at your grandmother's wake. Yes. Because there were people there that, Shit went down. I think even before I was born. And so I was anticipating some serious drama. Cause the last time these individuals were in a room together, was it that my grandmother's 85th and a fight almost broke out there, be people.

My other cousin has to like get in the middle of them, walk away. Both of you, get out of here. It's that, but things. So I wasn't, I was, I really was anticipating a fight break out with these people again, especially. At the funeral for my grandmother, because they all try to act like they loved her more than anybody. And okay. I'm sorry, but don't you love that? I that's one of my favorite funerals. So watch people grieve each other, 

[00:50:15] Track 1: Oh, God. 

[00:50:17] Track 2: this is ridiculous. Please calm yourself 

[00:50:20] Track 1: Do you think you're going to get more? money. If you're going to grieve. 

[00:50:30] Track 2: They didn't, so there was nothing actually happened. They were all very well behaved, especially even at the repast because we involved alcohol and, they were good. I'll be enough. But, then, but no, the guilt on me, From a dog it's simply just because I didn't see the signs that he was suffering. And so I didn't realize, I could have, not that I wanted to put him down, but he didn't have to be the way he was for so long. I looking back and seeing all the moments that like changes happened, where I kinda just didn't connect it, it doesn't have to be so long. He didn't have to suffer for as long as he did, but from my grandmother, that guilt stems from the fact that I didn't spend as much time with her as I could have. she, especially with the fact that I know that not a lot of us did go visit her. Most of the times when I saw her, it was at a family event or, a real quick cookout in the backyard because we lived right next door to each other. So it's okay, we'll just go next door and eat outside and chill out.

 I didn't have full on conversations with her, especially because. She didn't, she knew English, but she didn't speak it. She only spoke Spanish. And for the most part, I could understand what she was saying, but there were times when I couldn't. And so I felt somewhat uncomfortable being alone with her.

I will always want someone who I knew spoke Spanish with me. So I never really had full on conversations with her where it's I wanted to know her. And now we never will. there are things that I'll ask and it's no one knows the answer to now. And so, um, 

[00:52:17] Track 1: Okay.

don't

[00:52:19] Track 2: That's why we brought the tissues, 

[00:52:24] Track 1: But this 

[00:52:24] Track 2: get to angry tears though. 

[00:52:26] Track 1: This is your body telling. You, you need to grieve. 

[00:52:31] Track 2: This is the fake therapy process, but basically, there's just so much I wanted to know about her that I never know now. And that's what I'll meet because I could have taken a time. I could have asked the questions and I. along through, I could have had someone else ask the question for me here. So yeah, that's a, my uncomfortable moments of realizing. And the guilt and all that. Okay. So my, recommendation for you is to ask your aunts and uncles questions to find out. Cause they're things. Sometimes you learn things about the people who are closest to you after their they've passed. I learned, I'm still learning stories about my grandparents and my parents from other people.

Like they know if you can't ask them directly, take the time to ask somebody else because somebody heard something at some point that is going to blow your mind. 

[00:53:40] Track 1: and just to correct. Myself. Cause I thought that. Guilt was part of the stages of grief, but it's. not 

[00:53:48] Track 2: Oh, denial, 

[00:53:51] Track 1: anger, bargaining. depression and acceptance. And. The reason why I remember guilt. So much is from the book, the motherless daughters. I feel like there was a chapter or maybe it could have been the last portion of the book. I was like, yes, we are going to be where you're going to feel guilty about a lot of things, which could also hinder us from actually moving forward with our lives. 

And we should not feel guilty. We need to move forward. And so I think maybe that's why that it's just. Sometimes I'm just like, when I do feel guilty. And I'm like, oh, I should've done this. I should've done that. Yeah, it sucks. But how are you going to move forward? And I guess, remember her and remember your loved ones and all of that other stuff. So. 

I think that's why it's just so prominent in my head. of Guilt is part of the grief stage. but I guess it also could be part of anger because I guess it depends on how angry. Are you angry with yourself are you angry with them? That's part. of The. I feel. Like guilt and anger. Because if you're angry with yourself that you also feel guilty or you feel guilty, which makes you angry with yourself. 

Am I connecting these dots? 

Or am I just talking bullshit? 

[00:55:10] Track 2: Who's to say that the two aren't the same thing. 

[00:55:12] Track 1: I don't think that the, I know. as The feeling has made you feel uncomfortable. No, they have not made me Feel uncomfortable. 

I have no further It's just going through that process. I don't know. Yeah. 

[00:55:30] Track 2: I think some of us might've answered this already, but how do you keep or plan to keep your loved one close? 

[00:55:38] Track 1: Yeah, we did share some stuff. 

[00:55:40] Track 2: Some stuff. Yeah, like I was getting an urn made for my dog. I think Jae, you're going to travel for your mom. 

[00:55:47] Track 1: Yes. I do have her rings resized. And if I do ever get married, I do want to wear or use one of her rings as my engagement ring in that way, she could just be with me. For the rest of my life. And I also do have her wedding robe. It's silk. It is red and is pretty, I'm like, I'm not going to get rid of that. 

[00:56:12] Track 2: Fancy. 

[00:56:13] Track 1: So again, if I ever get married, I probably will use that. So we'll. see, but I do have some stuff. And then clearly you can see her picture. I have two pictures of her and I also have a little urn, so my brother has something, has A pendant. With Some of her ashes. I have some of her ashes. 

And then the rest will go to the Philippines.

[00:56:34] Track 2: Yeah. Okay. That's awesome. Is there any place specific in the Philippines. 

that, that she was there so much that you wanted to be? 

[00:56:41] Track 1: No, they have a place in the cemetery for her. 

already. Yeah. So we paid for that. They selected that. And then my. My uncles in there as well. The one that recently passed away. So. 

[00:56:54] Track 2: Okay. That's nice. Yeah. So with my grandmother, she loved casinos, loves casinos 

[00:57:06] Track 1: Oh, 

[00:57:10] Track 2: So she liked the slot machines and she wasn't even trying to win money or anything. She just liked to pull the lever or hit the button. That's it. She just kept going and kept going. I will never forget. I wasn't even 21 yet. I think I was like 18 or 19 and we went down there and I had to wear like the little risks.

So that way they knew you weren't going to go. and I was pretty much just, my aunt went to go, Gamble, but someone has to stay with my grandmother just in case. So I stayed and she's just going and go, and there's no money as a machine. I'm like, wait, mama, wait, I got to put more. So she really likes cause the casino than the slot machine. I'm starting with, The closest near me, which is Atlantic city. I'm going to my aunt and I we're gonna we're making plans, at some point, most likely she doesn't like traveling, going out in the cold. So it's going to be sometimes warmer, maybe, for her birthday in June.

Cause that was when my grandmother was her birthday, June. we were going to go down to AC for a couple of days. Then we're just going to play some slots. 

[00:58:15] Track 1: Oh, that's great. I love that. Love it. 

[00:58:20] Track 2: And you have to bet on her birthday or her. If you have to play something where you have to bet on 93 in some way, shape or form, like you just have.

[00:58:30] Track 1: and then when you act, when you win, like then you could be like, thanks, grandma. 

[00:58:36] Track 2: But that's like the first one I want to also go to Vegas. I've never been to Vegas, but apparently my grandmother has been to Vegas and I'm just like, when was this? 

[00:58:43] Track 1: No. 

[00:58:45] Track 2: Okay. Ignore her please. As someone who's gone twice yes ago, 

[00:58:49] Track 1: I would only go there to pick up some Honolulu cookies. I don't need to be there for the whole shish kabobs. But I've also been there 

[00:58:57] Track 2: I want to see the Michael Jackson one show. 

[00:58:59] Track 1: No, I have been there twice. 

but one for work and one for picking up those cookies. There twice, but I haven't had. My fun. 

[00:59:09] Track 2: You'd have we should Vegas trip guys. It's worth it. There's a lot of stuff to do. And it's clean. 

[00:59:16] Track 1: So the funny thing is right. 

[00:59:17] Track 2: Vegas is a very clean city. They got a lot of money. They keep it clean. Okay. 

[00:59:21] Track 1: So funny thing, right? So I said I was going to go to San Diego because my. Mom was supposed to go to San Diego. When she was supposed to come visit me. The other city is Vegas. That she wanted to go visit. So we were going to do a road trip from LA. To San Diego to Vegas, but only, mainly because she was going to see some friends there, which I'm sure they would have taken her to. 

Casinos and stuff like that. So, If you want to make a Vegas trip. We can kill two birds with one stone. 

[00:59:55] Track 2: 'cause like, we can also do the grand canyon, there's a lot to do. And it's not just all gambling and casinos. There's go-karts 

[01:00:03] Track 1: Cookies 

[01:00:05] Track 2: There's I was at smash burger In and out.

One of them is there what a burger is there? We went to Whataburger when we were there last time, 

[01:00:12] Track 1: Okay. 

I've seen a water burger, but I've never tried it. 

[01:00:16] Track 2: They're really good. I liked them better than three. The three guys that you love so 

[01:00:20] Track 1: Five guys. 

[01:00:21] Track 2: guys. 

[01:00:22] Track 1: Bye guys. 

[01:00:24] Track 2: see how much of an impression it has left on me. 

[01:00:27] Track 1: Okay. So. listen. Oh, Amanda, if you do. want to go to Vegas then? Hey. We can all go to Vegas. 

I will 

[01:00:34] Track 2: can get an Airbnb. 

[01:00:36] Track 1: I. will postpone my March slash April, whatever, because that's when I parsed wanted to go. 

[01:00:41] Track 2: We can do one year. So let's do okay. You said San Diego, right this year, you wanted to do it April or March. So do that. And then we could do next year, because save up for 

[01:00:53] Track 1: Okay. 

[01:00:54] Track 2: Airbnb's are cheaper. You're farther from the strip, but there Uber's over. 

[01:01:00] Track 1: Or we just rent a car. I dry. 

[01:01:03] Track 2: We are going to be in Vegas and there is when you're in the casinos, liquor is free. When you're gambling on the floor, because they want you to, be stupid and lose your money. If you sit down at a table, if you sit down at a slot machine, they come up the way the waiters and waitresses come around and they asked you for your drink order, you don't pay for it. Oh,

[01:01:24] Track 1: Fast 

dangerous. 

[01:01:26] Track 2: That is. 

[01:01:29] Track 1: Okay. 

All right, we'll get Uber's everywhere. 

[01:01:33] Track 2: And then a lot of it, a lot of things are walkable

I'm still asking questions. Oh, hold on. Let me do mine. Cause I didn't, close. I have a lot of jewelry from different people that I wear. what I am very upset about is that a pair of earrings that my great aunt gave me. I lost one of them at rod wedding. I'm still upset about that. 

[01:01:56] Track 1: no. 

um, I'm sorry. 

[01:02:00] Track 2: It's all good. But I had other things, but I really liked those earrings. my grandma, we were just talking about things I have a pair of my mom's shoes that. Technically don't fit my foot because my feet are really big, but they're flats and I make it happen. And I really liked them because they're so multicolored and stuff.

So I wear those every now and then. but yeah, it's just doing things that make me think of them. My grandmother I crochet that's my big thing with her, with my. Uncle I laugh and I do everything I can to laugh. And then I think my protector instinct comes from my grandfather in that he was this, he was just a strong man who I remember gave me the best hugs. That's the one thing I remember and my love for hot sauce at the age of two and three. 

[01:02:52] Track 1: Holy shit. 

[01:02:54] Track 2: jeez. So the story behind that is I was like a toddler and he'd have his food and he loved hot sauce and he'd put his food on it. And like when kids are walking around and they see food on your plate, they want to eat it. So he would separate his plate. He put something to the side for me. And he wouldn't put hot sauce on it and then he'd have his food with his hot sauce on it and something in it drew me to his food each time. And my family would constantly tell me, no, that's not for you. That's for grandpa. Don't do dah, dah.

And then he gave up after a while. He's look, if she's not gonna it she'll learn eventually. And my love for spicy food came out of that. Different ways. Yeah. 

[01:03:46] Track 2: Okay. To close out this discussion got one last question. What has the grieving process changed in you? 

[01:03:57] Track 1: I think it's being more Understanding and empathetic to those who have lost. somebody. Because before. my mom passed away I definitely. really didn't try to support people or anything like that. Other than The. John example, but it was just like, no, that person that's part of life. It is, what it is, but I feel like I can be more empathetic to somebody else. If I Wanted to So, yeah, I think that's that? And then it's just. acknowledging that you're still missing Somebody. Even though you. can, go through the stages of grief. Like I do feel I've gone through the stages of grief. I don't know about depression, but I don't know how I would like. Self-diagnosed. myself in that sense. But I have accepted that she has passed away. And she's not. coming back, but I definitely was in the, denial. stage for awhile. So yeah. 

[01:04:50] Track 2: I think for me, it's just my necessity to tell people I love them 

I know that I may not. If I leave this room. This might be the last time I see you. That's why I'm big on giving people how it's like. I for you guys, my love language changed to text me when you get home. That's why I like Amanda.

We drop her off at her front door, roll down the window and say, text me, get home safe. Texts me when you get home. And she's I'm home. 

[01:05:22] Track 1: But you guys, hug now, you said. 

you guys hug. 

[01:05:25] Track 2: Not really, Not really no occasions. Amanda ha if we're leaving brunch, Amanda hugs other people, but we're leaving together. So she doesn't have

[01:05:38] Track 1: uh, Okay.

[01:05:42] Track 2: no, I'm just 

I want to hug you. I want to. I want to make sure you're safe. I want to make sure that someone cares that's what grieving has done to me. It has made me these super, I love you person that gets made

made fun of by other people. And I'm okay.

with that. For me originally, I thought, there was something wrong. With I guess how I grieved just because looking at other people and how like emotional, some of them would be, I just didn't understand why I wasn't doing that. And with the grieving, my impart, my grieving process was just like, do I need to talk to someone?

Is there something wrong with me? For awhile, I was thinking that And so my dog pass, and then I became one of those sobbing mess people and the kind of processing, his passing. So for the most part, I would just say that in terms of changing, I guess I'm just more aware of the fact that this. it changes, I don't I don't feel so obligated to feel a certain way now in certain situations. And I think that can be applied to just about anybody in any situation really. But I'm just more aware of it now. That's for me. Growth yay. So with that is our discussion on grief. I certainly hope that having heard us talk you, your whoever's listening to us. You realize there's no right way to do this. Everybody clearly between the three of us, we were all doing things differently, totally different. And it also, some things are the same too.

And that for those who've experienced a loss if. You've been in a bit of a rut, maybe this helps you open up your eyes to something that maybe could help you in some way, or you can maybe start a discussion with someone in your life about loss. Yeah. And that's the hope of this whole podcast really?

To just help people connect. Agreed. Good. Most people don't. This is about getting under the surface in your friendships and relationships of your life. Yep. Thank you for leading this discussion, Amanda. 

[01:07:59] Track 1: Yes. Thank you. How do you guys feel though? That is one, grief is a heavy topic and to 

[01:08:09] Track 2: really. 

[01:08:09] Track 1: To you also, It was the first time that you were able to really talk about.

[01:08:13] Track 2: I definitely feel. Better after talking to you guys with this, because there really was just like a good chunk of it where I was just like, what's wrong with me?

And talking to you guys really helps always does we try? 

[01:08:31] Track 1: Yay.

[01:08:34] Track 2: So that's for me, don't know about what you guys. To me, I'm a little mentally drained, to be honest, 

[01:08:42] Track 1: Yes.

[01:08:43] Track 2: and bringing up memories and stuff. this is where you feel like something's wrong with you and that boat, we all talked about very.

Emotional things. And yet I couldn't, and I'm the emotional one. And yet I was like, I am, I didn't tear up at all during this time. And no, I know. I know. But it's you feel like, what should I have? Am I supposed to shouldn't like, cause like I feel it in my heart and my soul and I'm like, No.

it didn't come.

Like sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not feeling enough. But, like I said, I'm going to have to hit a reset button this weekend.

[01:09:21] Track 1: Look, my flatmate makes fun of me. or I don't understand why you don't cry in certain movies and all of that. stuff. When, You could have two other people crying and I'm just sitting there stone cold. So. it's we don't need to cry for Anything, if your body wants to do that, then your body wants to do that.

It's don't compare yourself to, I should be crying and this aspect, I was like, no, you don't need to. And honestly, when people tell me that somebody passed away, I'm like, oh, how old was that person? They're old, It was like, oh, I'm So sorry to hear that. I feel like I don't have any emotion towards it because death is part of life.

I've accepted that And It's that, sucks that the person's side, I think it would be different if it's very sudden and case by case, but yeah, it's like it's part of life. Oh sorry. I, hope they lived a wonderful life. I'm going to stop sounding so cynical. Now

[01:10:16] Track 2: But then that will make you not, you. It wouldn't be genuine. Yeah.

 Thanks for coming back and listening to another episode of United AI. As friends with us, we hope we sparked a discussion or two about grief as always. If you've enjoyed today's episode, please like comment and share a conversation with your friends and family.

Let us know your thoughts on our Facebook, Instagram Tik, TOK and Twitter pages@unitedforasfriendsorshootusanemailyouunitedasfriendsatgmail.com. 

[01:10:49] Track 1: We will see you all back here next time as we discuss how societal pressures affect our everyday lives and underlying decisions, society sucks. Balls. 

[01:11:06] Track 2: Okay. a little preview of the episode. Yeah. That's the level we're going to go to.