S2 EP 3: Grief

In this episode, we discuss this heavy topic, exploring how grief is/isn't talked about in our families, how we've mourned for loved ones and our experience with learning more about grief. 

Transcript

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Hey, y'all welcome to United AF. As friends podcast, a show where we try to unravel the complexities of our multicultural friendship and existing because millennials in today's world every other week, we'll get us together for a deep dive into how our friendship has survived and have some laughs while doing it.

We're your hosts, Amanda Justine and Taylor.

[00:00:23] Amanda: Welcome back to another episode, of season two. Uh, And this one, we're going to talk about something heavy to talk about grief And, the different ways we all experience it.

How we cope, how we just go on about our lives, having lost someone really important to us. So to start off with what is grief. The most basic definition of it would be just grief is just how we respond to the loss of someone that we loved or something we were close to or doesn't have to be a person.

It could be any thing that we lost. Sometimes people at a pet, a personal object that was lost, so that's like the basic definition, but what does it to you?

[00:01:03] Taylor: Yeah, I guess I'll go. To me, grief is the, what are you laughing at? 

[00:01:10] Justine: Hi, I don't have, sorry to interrupt you, but I don't have any other definition of grief. 

[00:01:16] Taylor: Yeah. Like you need you hit most of it. Like I just it's that. What happens when your quote unquote official mourning period is supposed to be over?

I feel like that's what grief is, what you're left with after the people have gone off, like after the ceremony is over after the people have gone home, when it's back to just you, it's what you have to deal with. That's what grief is, because my grief is different than yours is different than Justine's.

 It's what's in you and how you take on that loss.

[00:01:50] Amanda: Said all set. Thank you,

Jay. Anything to add or no, we're 

[00:01:54] Justine: good. No, I really don't have anything to 

[00:01:56] Amanda: add. Okay. So then we're just gonna start getting into it. Getting into the heavy one. Who did you guys lose? How long ago? It could be multiple people could be an object as well. I'm not going to judge you guys. Do you

[00:02:11] Justine: With the whole, with grief, it started really 20, 20 obviously in the beginning of the pandemic and I lost my mom in March, 2020 which would mark her two year anniversary this year. But then it started to, I felt like it started to just snowball. That's the term, because from March to June, I had more family members pass away or extended family members.

So after that it was it was like one of the, one of one person that I grew up with. Even though we didn't We didn't stay in touch, but she was part of the whole group with the extended family. So she's around our age as well. So she passed away and then her own, sorry. So it was her father first that passed away because he got COVID and then she passed away a few weeks after her father and then very suddenly my God sister's brother also passed away in his.

There's nothing wrong with him and just, gone. And then in June, my grandmother passed away obviously of old age. So that's pretty much like where that, I guess my grief acknowledgement really started to happen because everything just happened. In 2020.

[00:03:30] Taylor: This also stems from the way I deal with grief. I'm an old hat when it comes to losing people. And it's like weird to say out loud. My mother, my birth mother passed away when I was about 14 months. So that was almost 30 years. It will be her 30th anniversary of her death this year.

My grandfather then passed away when I was four and then throughout my life, more and more people like I lost my paternal grandmother when I think it was eight. Then my grandmother died. My. Freshman year of college in November. And then my father died that January. And then two years later, my great uncle, my grandmother's brother, who was like, he was one of my closest male figures in my life.

He died. And then about two or three years ago, his wife died. So those are like the huge ones in my life that I have lost. Oh, Also this past year, my brother's mother, she passed away. And then my paternal grandfather passed away of old age. And then a couple of months later, my only biological first cousin passed away.

So it's been interesting in COVID because. Oh, and then also Josh one of our brunch buddies passed away two years ago, too. So all of this stuff with COVID all of these deaths in the past, like two to three years have just blurred, so sorry have blurred together for me. And then I forget, I was like, oh, like you have these moments where you want to be with people.

And you're like, oh my God, they're not here anymore. Something happens. And you think about them. Oh, yeah, it's been a year. It's been two years. It's been six years since they've passed away. And you just forget those things.

[00:05:25] Amanda: Oh yeah, no me who I've lost. Huh? So my first. At least first time remembering losing someone that was somewhat close. My maternal grandmother when I was nine, 

Then I lost an uncle when I was about 24 and then the following year, my cousin passed. And then just this past June, July, actually.

My paternal grandmother passed and then this past December, I had to put down my dog, my first baby, I get it. Some people are like, it's a dog. What? It isn't compared to a person. But to me it does, 

[00:06:06] Justine: that does definitely does. And a lot of people don't realize how close you get to animals and such, but they are really a huge part of your life.

So 

[00:06:16] Amanda: he was 

[00:06:18] Taylor: like, they're there for 14 years, 14, 16 years. It's it's your, that's your child, your fur child. 

[00:06:26] Amanda: Yeah. So with the loss of hope, all these individ. What was your initial reaction or feeling when you found that they had just past,

you can pick one or all and it doesn't matter. I know there's quite a few people. We've all lost So with my maternal grandmother.

[00:06:44] Taylor: That's what I was looking. I was like, we didn't talk about funerals. I was like, that's a big part of my grief process. 

[00:06:48] Amanda: That's a topic that you can. 

[00:06:51] Taylor: Yes. You 

[00:06:52] Amanda: know what? I will not lie well, not for forget it. When we went to pay condolences totally different than any prenup funeral, we're headed over to a concert too.

And we're like, what the fuck is going 

[00:07:05] Taylor: on?

It's a celebration of life that this is why there is no set way to grieve. I th okay. So going back to my relationship with grief before I talk about the ways that each death has affected me I have realized that my family is niche in funeral. It's like the joke we put the fun in funerals.

I think we really do, because I have, from my own grandmother's wake, we. The funeral director asks my grandmother and my grandmother, my aunt and her brother, because they handed all handled everything. Okay. What's what songs do you want playing in the vestibule or the thing while she's lying at her wake?

And my mom comes home and she's okay, y'all we gotta put a list together. My grandmother was a religious girl. She was a child of a preacher, but she was also fun. So we had we had the cha-cha slide was on there, but we had three of her favorite hymns played, but then we had love hang over, all old RNB songs, all on this playlist.

So when you guys came in, you guys. This isn't normal at 

[00:08:30] Amanda: all. We definitely felt that way. 

[00:08:35] Taylor: And that's the thing. She had lived a full life. She lived to see grandkids, her, my brother's kids. She had great grandkids by association. She did went out and did things, even though her husband had been dead for 20 plus years.

 She still lived, she went places. She did things. And when it's that type of funeral, it's a celebration of life. Not to say, when we have sudden deaths and stuff like that, it is a very different atmosphere. But when someone is 60, 70, 80, 90, you got to celebrate, they made it that far.

It, these are all the people that they touched yes. It's sad that they're no longer here, but what we try to do is focus on the memories and all of that stuff. And just to make that, so just rubbing off on everybody, we just want you to come in and yes, it's a sad part, but they want you to be happy.

And we w we know she's wants you stole to go out and do stuff in that. 

[00:09:34] Justine: Yeah, it's beautiful as well. Yeah, that's great. 

[00:09:38] Taylor: I know I'm deviating from what I'm supposed to be talking about right now, but my cousin's husband died and he was 70. Plus the funeral, we were all told to show up in like Giants wear.

Cause he's a huge giants fan. Fine. Cool. Got through the funeral, got to the repass afterwards, there was a DJ and a photo booth at an open bar. I was like, see, these are definitely people like us. I'm like, this is my family. These are things they're celebrating his he's going out. They, you do the crying, the booboo, you commit the body to the soil.

That's great. But after that, we're going to celebrate. So But, like I said, on the other hand, I've gone to the ones where it's like someone was in their thirties or twenties. It's the celebrations. Exactly. Like how grief isn't thing, you do things appropriately based upon it. I had a kid, a cousin who suffered long, like she, she always had different things and everything was so light and bubbly and airy for her things.

It's just, you gotta do. You gotta do, what's going to get us off. And you plan your shift accordingly. 

[00:10:56] Taylor: Now, to answer the question, I'm supposed to answer it. So with my birth mother, it took me a long time to actually have to grieve for her because in, for so long, I felt like it was like, how do you miss something you never had?

Because I was a baby. And they told me, they didn't take me to her funeral. And I'm trying to remember which some family members were at the house, at least that's, this is the way I'm remembering it. After at the, it was like the repass or something after the house, I was bawling on inconsolably and they told me my grandmother, and one of my cousins took me into a back room and they were like, I think it finally clicked in baby Taylor's mind that I couldn't smell my mother anymore.

And I was like, that's powerful to think, those little comforts the thing that you're so used to being there, and then all of a sudden it's gone, but it wasn't till I think when my grandmother passed that I think I grieved both of them. And it was a conversation I also had with my aunt, because she said Because it's her mother. She said she had told me she had that feeling too, because when my mom died, her sister, she didn't have any time to, she couldn't fall apart. Couldn't do any of that. Cause she had me and Mal to raise. We all have to just put that to the side and take care of that. And I was like, huh, that's interesting.

With my grandmother I was good. Because she had cancer. We were like, she's gotten to the point where she just kept asking, can I go home? Can I go home? And we're like, no, grandma, you can't dah dah. But then when she did finally pass at the hospital, I was like, okay. My mom came to my room.

Cause it was in the middle of the night. She was like, they just called I was like, okay. I made it through the funeral until we were leaving to commit her body. And then I broke down. I was like, okay. This is what I need to do, but then like I was able to move on from that. I think I took her brother's passing harder.

Then I did hers or my actual grandfathers, because again, I was younger, as a kid with grief, it's learning that they're not going to be there anymore. Cause both my grandparents lived with me and stuff like that. So. Just getting over those things. Like I can't run downstairs to their room anymore.

I'm not going to be able to sit and watch TV and things like that. But because of that, every day routine is immediately disrupted. I think I found it easier with them, but with my grandmother's brother and then his wife subsequently, they had filled so many roles in my life. In just always stepping up to the plate and being there and not being obligated to anything, but they were so part of my everyday life.

And even though they weren't there, that not being able to reach out to that person and losing that, it kinda messed me up. I was like, my uncle was the life of the party. And we still. Like at dinner conversations. It's how many days can we go without an uncle Billy moment? Or like we've we have a joke up on the chalkboard it's instead of it's been zero days since the workplace accident, it's been two days since an uncle Billy reference.

So just having those people to step up to be those extra influences that you didn't realize you needed. And then you reflect on it as you get older, you know that these people aren't going to be around forever, but it still stings and not like I'm thinking and I'm bringing up more memories.

Like my grandfather's sister, she passed away when I went to Australia and the thing is we knew she was going to pass away. And I had to say my goodbyes before she, before I left. And it's that one was another one that threw me off because we always go to visit her. Like we were her family, we came and we took care of her.

We counted out her meds for the week for her, stuff like that. And then I'm not there when it happens. And because I was gone for so long, they had committed her body. Everybody came up from South Carolina, like from everywhere, but I wasn't there. And those things still niggle at the back of my head.

it's really very different levels of grief that have affected me. And we're like not weird ways cause that's again the wrong thing, but just like very unexpected ways. So yeah, I'm gonna, I'm going, don't finish on that. Or else I'll be talking for 54 minutes.

[00:15:34] Amanda: So the first person I lost, I remember at least losing my maternal grandmother. I hate saying this, but it's the truth. I didn't really feel much of anything because I didn't 

[00:15:46] Justine: sorry. Can I butt in because one, I think a lot of people and me as well, we have this certain view of what grief should look like.

And what feelings we should be feeling when something happens. And when I first was looking into grief support groups, and they were interviewing to see, where you should be and things like that, they asked what you thought of grief. And how do you grieve? And I normally said, or I consistently said, I'm sorry to say this, but I didn't do this.

I don't cry. Or I don't feel anything towards somebody dying or something like that. And they're like, that is completely fine. You don't need to be sorry about it because every. I think Taylor said earlier, everyone has a different way of grieving. So I don't think we should be apologizing and saying, I'm sorry that I didn't feel like anything, because again, everyone has their own way of grieving.

I just want to put that out there and don't feel like you're doing it wrong quote un quote because again, it's just, it's how we process the news and the death of someone. 

[00:16:53] Amanda: Okay. So, uh, With my maternal grandmother, w we're we weren't that close, we would go like once a year, cause she lived in Florida.

So we'd go once a year down there to visit her for think a week or two. And that was my extent of connection with her. So when she passed the initial reaction I would say was just, oh, okay. Type of thing. It wasn't. um, Yeah, my, when my uncle passed, that was shock without a doubt shock, especially when I found out the manner in which he passed suicide, unfortunately.

And then when my cousin passed, which was his son again, Complete disbelief on that one, just because it's like back to back deaths. When my paternal grandmother died, that one was just initial reaction numb. It was just numb. Like I didn't no idea what was going through my head at that time. So to be honest and then with my dog, It was my dog.

I knew it was coming because I had scheduled the day. So my dog was just, 

Probably the most emotion I've ever shown in my life. 

But yeah, that was that.

[00:18:08] Taylor: And you're allowed to feel is of emotion. With each death. You're not supposed to feel like Justine said you're not supposed to feel the same thing for everybody. That's just how they portrayed on TV. That everybody's always like a grieving blubbering mess for everything.

[00:18:28] Track 1: So when my mom passed away it was definitely a shock since it was, it happened so quickly from her getting COVID and then just, it just really escalated. So of course it was more of a disbelief. 

That she, had passed away. And then. Yeah. So I think it was more of that. And especially since I wasn't in Jersey, when it happened, that was more of the denial that she passed away too. four. Everyone that followed. 

With the father and daughter. I was really sad. When the father passed away, I heard that. They didn't tell the daughter because she was sick in the hospital and they wanted to have her feel better. And they were afraid that if they told her that her father passed away, she wouldn't make it, which I totally get because sometimes people do that. And so I was just really hoping that she got better, but unfortunately she didn't, , it was more of like, Transcribing...

[00:19:27] Justine: And then the last one was actually that was not the last one. Last one went like within that group from March to June. Was my grandmother. That one, I felt very similar to you. Amanda is just 

I didn't have any type of reaction. I was more of just okay. That's so sad that she passed away, but also she lived a very long life. She was 90 something, and we already knew that she wasn't doing very well and all of that stuff. And so it was just like slowly declining. And I think at that point, it's like waiting for that person to. 

It's a pass away because it's. I'm just like, okay she really lived a long life and good for her that she's lived that long. But I did not feel anything. I didn't really feel sad or anything like that when she did pass away. And then my uncle had recently passed away. 

Also due to COVID and remember texting you guys when all of that was happening, I'm like, I am so angry or this is pissing me off that if he's going to be passing away due to COVID, it's just annoying. That so many people. In my life. 

 Has just gone so quickly and I was getting really frustrated with the pandemic and everything. So that, that's how my initial reactions Towards people that I've lost. 

[00:21:12] Track 2: So then. Had you guys all cope with all after the initial. What was the after. And how did you all cope with that? 

[00:21:25] Justine: I'll go first this time, just in case must shit gets cut off. So I'm going to stick with my mom, because that is the one, obviously she's the closest out of those who had passed, within the past two years And again, it was just very sudden. And W, with you guys I don't like to be vulnerable in front of people that I know, and also in front of my family. So even when I had to go back to Jersey, 

To, make arrangements and all that other stuff. I did not show. That I was grieving. I didn't want to cry in front of my family because I consider my brother the more sensitive one. And even my family knows that he's the more sensitive one and that. We have to be strong for him or whatever. And so it was more of matter of business. Like we need to get through all of these things. 

And then when I wanted to cry, it would be crying in bed. When everybody's asleep, because I didn't want anybody to see that. But I also knew that was not the probably best way to handle grief. And so I also know that I am fine with sharing a lot of things with strangers. 

And so I was looking into grief support groups, because I thought that if I can't be vulnerable with the people that I'm close with, and I'm comfortable with talking about stuff to sh. To strangers. I might as well try the grief support group. And I was just, again, trying to look through, I think I was trying to research grieving processes and that's how I stumbled upon some grief support groups. Like I wasn't sure if I wanted to. 

Speak to one person, or if I wanted to do a group. But. I found a group in LA and it was a waiting list to be honest, I don't know. I think I had to wait. Maybe two months or so before I can actually join a group and do that. And then that was also when I was moving to London. And so when I was going to be assigned to a group and this was going to, it was a. 

So I think a long-term commitment, like at least for up to a year, I think it was, but because I had to, I would moved. I told them , I couldn't commit to that group, but they allowed me to still be part of this group that kind of allows people and you don't have to commit to a specific timeframe. And so I just found that very helpful. 

Talking to, I think there was probably six or seven other people in the group and they're sharing their stories and how they're grieving and they have different time frames and timelines, of one, their loved ones passed away and some were. Some were recent, some had been a few years and it, and the age range was vast as well. 

And it was just very interesting. Another way that I coped afterwards was writing in a journal. It was letters to my mom and going through that whole. Period where so many family and extended family members had passed away. 

Those are my things that I did after my mom passed away. 

[00:24:29] Taylor: Okay, man, do you want to go next? 

[00:24:30] Amanda: I can go. . I'm gonna just really talk about my grandmother and my dog, because those are the two. Closest the other. Sue wasn't really that close to them. It was my grandmother. I She lived right next door to me. She was just there. My entire life. 

She passed there was the numbness, the not knowing what to do, to the point where we're at, because I didn't know what to do. I started cleaning. 

[00:24:49] Amanda: Like who does that? Me apparently. But yeah, my, my thought. I guess how I cope with just trying to. 

Almost prepare. Cause I know obviously people are going to be flying in actually. Staying with us. Clean the house, help my mom, cleaned the house. Then I helped a little bit with the. Some of the arrangements that were made. So I helped write the obituary I helped with gathering all the photos of my grandma throughout the years, and making a little collage, like a video. 

Put on At the service. I helped with the repass. So it was just like those types of things. I don't know that's I guess that's how I coped. Just doing things for. For my grandmother. So that way, granted, she probably wouldn't even care to. To be honest, she was just that type of woman who was just like, why are you spending money on this shit? Don't even bother. But, I did it anyway. 

 So that was more or less how I cope with it. My grandmother With my dog. 

That was more of a day by day process. Really? It was more of just I got to get used to being completely alone now, like completely alone. And I'm not actually used to it. It's still creeps me out. 

learning the waking up at three in the morning. Yeah, actually, it's now five, my average. And I'm waking up at five and 

The three in the morning. 

Yeah. But it's still the whole. What freaked me out the most is the pure silence. 

even When I'm working my dog, even though he pretty much just slept all day long. He still, he made noises in his sleep. He would get up and stretch and walking a little circle and then pop himself back down on his bed. So it was little things like that, that it's like now it's just total silence. And I actually have difficulty concentrating. Now when I'm home working. 

So I'm, I've tried so far with a video. Doesn't help. Next I'm thinking of getting like a little TV and see if that works instead. 

 You know how some people, I guess when they lose someone one of the things to move on and go through your grief is , Cleaning out that individual's things and whatnot. I want to say a week after my grandmother, pat. A week, but like a week or two. After, everyone had dissipated and they had gone home. My aunt started going through my grandmother's things and okay, you guys want this? Do you want some of that? 

I took. little somethin' 'cause my grandmother. Very religious woman. So at the church she went to, there was a group every year, they would come. From Israel, Jerusalem or Bethlehem by them. And they would bring things that they would carve out of like the Holywood they called it. And every year she bought something always and she had so much. 

I got one of her little, one of the carvings. That she had gotten. Because a lot of batches. They were in her bedroom. As to me, that's just the creepiest thing ever. It's like staring at me as I sleep. But, to her, it was very comforting. So I took and set a little plaque. It's hanging in my apartment now. So that's. One thing. And then with my dog, 

Yeah, I haven't gone through that process of cleaning any of the stuff. It's still exactly where everybody left it. All this, his toys, his beds. Even his little wee wee mat. 

[00:27:52] Track 1: Hmm. 

[00:27:52] Amanda: yeah, I pretty much just clean around. Those things. I know at some point I got to do it, but. A month ago for you not even. 

[00:28:01] Track 1: You're still mourning. Grieving.

[00:28:04] Track 2: a race, Amanda. 

Yeah. 

But, yeah, 

so. 

[00:28:09] Track 1: Sorry, going back to my griefs. One of the grief support groups that I did in London. One of the girls there. She. Wanted to go through I don't know how many years her father passed away that she was close with. She had a box, a little box of his stuff. And did not want to go through them. 

She was like, I guess scared as well and all that stuff, but also partially wanted to go through them with family members because. They were also things that he kept through the years. That he really, he loved and it had things that, predated her. So she wouldn't know who they were and things like that. That's why she also wanted to have it. 

To do that with somebody else. But it took her a very long time to actually go through that box. And so I completely understand why you wouldn't want to clean out Any of Oreo's stuff at the moment, and you can take your time to do that. That's completely fine. 

No rush. 

[00:29:10] Amanda: So yeah, that's. That was. That was me. 

[00:29:15] Taylor: I guess I'll go. Listening to both of your grieving processes. I see it's much more structured than mine is. But I think. It comes out of the environment. That I'm from, and that. 

When a person passes we try to keep it as light as possible. It's a heavy subject. Grief is a very big and very powerful. But life has to go on. And I think that comes out of my family in that. Yes, this is something that happened, but the world is still going on. 

And we have to do what we have to do to get through it. So like you Justine and your journaling and going to a grieving. Community. 

I've never even thought of doing things like that. 'cause for me, it's just okay. This person passed. My grandmother died. Her wa the day of her wake I had a final, I went to class. I still had to go to school. She still wanted me to get my education. I had to still do things like. I had a final and then. 

 I made sure I finished all of my finals. And then there was the Friday and the Saturday was the wake and the funeral. I remember coming home and just sitting on the couch, my family was like, okay, go get dressed. Okay. That's what's up. But now that I think about it, that's a lot of the way my family deals with it, but we still have to keep moving. 

People are coming. That's great. But what else do you have to do? Do you have to go to work? 

[00:30:43] Justine: But at question for that though do you feel like you had, because you're moving on, yes. It's celebration of life as well, and yes, you're sad, but. You're moving on. With your life. Does that kind of suppress the grief that one may want to feel. But you don't know, you may want to feel it as well, because you're just grief is just comes. For me, it comes in waves. And so if you're, if they're telling you, oh, we need to do this, that, or move on with our lives. Do you feel like you're suppressing the potential grief that is just going to hold. 

Within you until it just wants to come out and say, I'm, I need to grieve at this time. 

[00:31:26] Taylor: And see, I don't think so, because I think it's like a built in distraction to help you get over it. 

Because. I grew up going to wakes with my grandmother and funerals for people. I didn't know my whole life. Death is such just. 

 An everyday factor in my life in that. When. We were talking about grief on before we did this episode, and you guys were like, you were adults when you had your first major losses or like you really had to do funerals and stuff like that. I was like, My grandmother was a three to five, seven to nine lady. 

What that means is either she was at the funeral home from three to five. Cause then they close normally then, because people want to go and eat. Then they come back from seven to nine. She was there. I remember just going to people. I have never met like people from church just. I was her buddy. 

Going to these places and just learning. Funeral etiquette. From being six and seven. And knowing what to say to people, what not to say, how to act, how to dress, like all of those things. Were instilled in me from a young and as an young adult, I joked with my family. I said, we're the midwives of death my family. 

Like me, my. My mom, my sister and my grandma. Because when thought about it growing up, Whatever someone died in the family. My grandmother was at the house. We were there, she was one of eight. A. Some died in every branch. She was always there. So someone in my family is. 

Or at his funeral or we're doing the acknowledged. And it's reading the cards for the family. Like something like that. We're reading the scriptures. 

We're always functioned. Where the touchy feely people were very in tune with our emotions. But then I also realize I never saw anybody cry. I've never seen my mother cry. In my lifetime. But she's very well versed in her emotions. She knows how to express herself. 

But I have never seen her shed a tear. In my life. Like me and Malori I've seen emotional. 

I only saw my grandmother. Crying when she got her eyes done. Because she had glaucoma, she had to get. Our cataracts done. That's what I saw her. She would read her Bible. And you'd say, I'd see profound emotion in her, but the overdone. Crying and what you associate with grief with. 

Is turned on its head because we do everything we can. To distract you from falling down in that pit of despair. We want you to laugh. We want you to have fun. We will sit and we will come see your house. We will feed you. And then we'll talk about all the funny, fun things that happened with the person. Who's no longer with us. 

That's the way we process emotion. That's why I tell you guys. I said, We have the thing on the board. How long has it been? Since we brought up uncle Billy story, that's a way of grieving and it looks so different from the outside in that you never cried over that person. Like I said, my, when my grandmother passed away, my one tearful moment was we were following the body out of the church and my uncle grabbed me and my brother grabbed my sister. 

And both of us just started balling. But at the same time, I was at the hospital when my grandmother coded. I'm at her bedside I saw life, leave her eyes.

[00:34:51] Track 1: Oh, my 

[00:34:52] Taylor: And they were just open. And in that moment, I was just shocked. There were no tears or anything. I was like, okay, this is she's going to leave us now. They brought her back at that point, but That didn't affect me the way watching her casket leave. Cause I know we're going to the cemetery. 

So it's. It's a very different mindset. And I think. That affected me more than my grandfathers, because also the difference in age and the years. But my grandmother was buried and my grandfather was cremated. So I grew up with my mother's urn and my grandfather's urn in the house. So like at the same way, 

I walked by Hey, my grandpa's stuff like that. They're there it's different. My grandmother, I know she's not coming home. she left the house. That's a different thing, but Dealing with it. I. I tried to make you guys laugh. I try to like every, whenever people are feeling down. 

I want to make you laugh because that's my grieving process. That's the way I show my love to you. I know that it hurts. And you have moments where it hits you at a nowhere. But come on, let's do something. Let's watch something that's really stupid really funny. And let's not deal with that. Sometimes it looks like you're not grieving, but at the same time, I'm just trying to replace that moment of sadness with a happy it's those moments in inside out where sadness touches your happy memories, they blend together. I'm doing everything in my life to make joy, just crowd over your sadness. 

And I know, cause I'm like, it's going to keep hurting. 

[00:36:24] Justine: Yeah. And some people want somebody to pull them out of that sadness. And, I have a joke with, or have some good times with, because yeah, if you're by yourself and if it's somebody that you've lost as close to you . People just seem to look like they pity you. 

And it's oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. And , I don't like those looks. 

I know I'm going to, it's definitely sucks right now. I know I'm going to be okay. But sometimes I would rather be talking to the friend who's going to. Want to have a laugh. 'cause it's just, it's different. It's I've had my, time of sadness. When she passed away and we're celebrating. 

 Her life or whatever. And it's just I don't need to see your, like I pity you face type of thing. 

[00:37:11] Taylor: Yeah.

And after a lifetime of those. I know how you're feeling.

[00:37:23] Track 1: I wonder though since you've seen it since childhood. I know you touched on it a little bit. Your grieving process from a child versus grieving process as an adult. Do you still have very similar things that you do? Other than making it very lighthearted and you want to, have. 

Yeah, celebrating their memory, et cetera. That's what your whole family does. But I just wanted to see if there was any other things that were different from child to adulthood. 

[00:37:53] Taylor: I rage sing sometimes. When I'm feeling it, I'll put on something that makes me think of that person and I will emotionally sing. 

And I'll do it at, I'll do it alone. I don't want anybody. That's the, I don't want anybody around moment. That's I'm going into the basement and I'm going to turn on my playlist and it'll probably be like two or three in the morning. And I'm going to be singing in the basement by myself. I'm not doing right. 

I'm not feeling the best. But I'm going to get over it. Or even like what it. I would be able to, when I was commuting and stuff, it, I was able to do it more. Cause I'm like walking I'm by myself, whatever. Let me just put on some really. Strongly feeling music. 

But yeah, no, most of it is now. Is levity. 'cause even. Okay. So learning proper etiquette, but now as an adult, When you're sitting in funerals, a you're acting up with family members. 

We were at my. Cousin's husband's funeral. And there was some tension going on there. I'm in a group text with my sister and my cousin who is. The. The. It's her father who passed away. So I'm sitting there and I'm sending stupid text messages that I know are going to get a laugh out of people. Cause. 

It's a lot happening on day. And then I said, I went to my sister and I said, why is the cross-eyed version of your brother up there holding the flag? And she just looks at me and was, and just looked down. I was like, see, 

I'm just going to, I'm trying to make you happy. I'm trying to make you laugh. Cause this is a really tense situation. We're all in. But then it's like the pattern com. Just repeat the different funerals so much that people are sending like. No, I'm not going to sit next to you guys. sister has had. 

At my great uncle's funeral, my cousin. Could have sat next to us and looked at my sister and said, no, I'm not going to sit next to you. And then. Ended up in like the front row. And we just found such hilarity with the way that this, the organist for this funeral. I was just over announced, creating everything. And we were just sending them text messages. Look, you could have been sitting next to us so we could have been actually having this conversation face to face. 

Yeah, we texted a church. Yeah, 

not knows in my Okay. 

I have done it on several occasions, 

God knows what's in my whole heart and my soul, and I've done all the things I was supposed to do, but yeah, no, I cut up at church all the time. Really the thing. If I ever did that, my mother would kill me. 

[00:40:33] Justine: No. It's no phones, nothing. 

[00:40:36] Taylor: No, but you have to learn how to do it. And not get caught. Though. Yeah, look, you pay attention. You sing the hands when you're supposed to you do your little call and responses, but your fingers is still going now. 

said you a straight face and then you'd just look at the person that you sent it to and you wait for their reaction it's all on them. If they laugh out loud, it is not my fault. 

No. Or you get it. To where I was trying to remember what oh, okay. So at a different cousin's husband's funeral. The text message was sent because I have one of my cousins is their hands shake when they do things. And it was a somber part of the funeral where there. Folding the flag, the American flag. 

But I couldn't stop myself. And I know this is just I was in Texas. I said, how did they find the only person shakier than this cousin? To fold the flag up there. And the two people I sent it to. We're laughing. It looked like they were crying. So one of the ushers came over and was like, Oh, I'm so sorry. It gave them the tissues and they took it just to make. 

Oh, 

[00:41:54] Track 1: No.

No. 

[00:41:58] Taylor: I have cultivated myself that most of my family doesn't understand just the way my mind works. So they think I am the serious one and Malori isn't and Malori is constantly trying to explain to them. She's the one that made me do this right. 

[00:42:14] Amanda: But. What, when Mal says it, I believe it. 

[00:42:20] Taylor: The rest of the family doesn't yet. 

But yeah, no, I that's my, I think it's like semi avoidance, but eventually I get over it. 

Yeah, we all have different coping. Laughter's yours making other people laugh as you were as me. I just need to be productive. Justine, has her journaling and her support group. So it's Totally different doing this. 

[00:42:41] Justine: Very different. 

[00:42:43] Amanda: No right or wrong way. 

So as part of coping, how were you guys taught to handle grief? 

What was your support system looking like? 

[00:42:51] Taylor: I definitely just talking about mine. That's dead.

[00:42:56] Justine: I don't think how I was taught to handle grief. I feel like we as part of the family who doesn't talk about their emotions and all of that stuff. 

I don't think there was anything of just how to handle grief. 'cause even my, I just remember my aunt when she was able to bring some of her family members over from the Philippines within a few, unfortunately, within a few A year or even two of them staying here. They had passed away. And, we were there for the funeral, but that's really supporting them. But after that, it's there's nothing else. 

Yeah. And then I feel like I, what I did was really research on how to deal with the grief and that's why I've, doing the support group. And also picked up the book called motherless daughters. It was just like, it was since it was such a close person. It's how do I educate myself in this and deal with it? Because I know that my family is not going to be the support system that I want to have. 

Which is probably also not the greatest idea, because I know that my brother had a hard time with my mom and he disclosed that he. Did drink a lot. When she passed away, he definitely had a hard time and he was much closer to her. Of course. And so I could have been a better support system by reaching out, but I didn't because I was so caught up or busy trying to figure out how to. 

Support myself or find that grief support. Because I didn't want to confide in my family. 

[00:44:33] Taylor: Question. I know. Like No. You learned? 

[00:44:41] Justine: Wait, hold on. Is that where. It comes from, do you owe. 

[00:44:44] Taylor: I 

[00:44:44] Justine: Do you 

always say 

[00:44:45] Taylor: when someone says question, I always say answer. 

[00:44:47] Justine: Listen, I do that too. And since you pointed that, I'm like, I'm wonder if I do, if I did get it from Taylor. 

[00:44:56] Taylor: Cause we were all I have a question. I was like, I have an answer. I may or may not have an answer. So I know we are not in the. Super. We want kids group. 

But. How would you change it or do you think because of the way you were raised, do you think you would handle grief the same way with your children? 

Or does this pathology just keep repeating? 

[00:45:20] Track 1: I would not raise. My kids. So the way that I was raised, because it was detached. I would say. And. 

I think it's so important to communicate your emotions and learn how to, deal with them , and be able to share what's going on. And that way we can figure out, okay, what can we do to help you? So I think I would try, I don't, I wouldn't know how to educate them on grief. But I think that there would be. 

Much more support than what I've experienced, but I'm sure also if I did cry. And break down in front of my family. My aunt's. They would, definitely be there. Their support, in their way is just being there. And helping when you need it. And so obviously, 

With my mom passing away. I go to their house. I stay at their house. Me and my brother obviously meet at their house too. Get all of the The cremation and everything that we can. Cause obviously it's during the pandemic, we can't even do a funeral. So it's doing the things in their house and they're just providing whatever help that they can. So that's their support. 

And any knowledge that they can because they've also dealt with a lot of death . That is their support. It's definitely not emotional support. 

[00:46:49] Taylor: Thank you for answering that question.

[00:46:51] Justine: You're welcome. 

 .

[00:46:53] Amanda: I have to have the grief. I taught no. Definitely was not. 

I want to say. So the very first instance I ever saw was with my maternal grandmother. When she passed. The day. It was that morning when my mom and my dad came to tell him, me and my siblings That she had passed from heart attack. And. My mom. Could barely get the words out. She was just crying and I didn't. 

And really understand. Y. Nine years old. So I didn't really understand because again, We hardly ever saw her. So it was just like Okay. And then at the funeral. Again, I see everybody crying, but. 

 Nothing here. And I want to say the first instance where I realized that maybe I always thought that maybe, okay, something might be wrong and my siblings with how we handled. This was because. When. What do they call it again? The funeral director. They asked, should people in groups to say their final goodbyes up to the casket and then, 

We were some of the last ones. It was a. It was granted children. So we all went up. Me and my cousins, my siblings all went up. I was just standing there, not just nothing and all my cousins around and we just boohooing and. Sobbing whatnot. And so the 

[00:48:12] Justine: Sorry, your description boo hooing. 

Judge.

[00:48:23] Amanda: And at that point, All I could think was. 

Y Y. 

I mean, I still think like what's the point of to me, I just hate crying. In general, And so the director base. That okay. Time to step away so that they could call up another group. Me, my brother and sister. We just walked right off to the side. No problem. All my cousins just could not leave. They could not leave. And so that's when I realized that not realize, but that's when I first thought okay, is there something wrong with us? 

Y. What are we missing here? And the pattern kept continuing. With more. As. Family members past, people, I saw them just crying and greet. Like everything in. Again, nothing from me. And my brother or my sister until. My grandmother passed and then there was a bit more emotion there. 

But. 

I would look to my parents and my dad. Straight faced for all of it. And so they had to finally put my grandmother. In her tomb. A little. In the mausoleum. Then not so much with my dad. My mother, the only time I ever saw her. Balling her eyes. That was when she had to tell us that. My grandmother had passed my maternal grandmother. 

But again, There was no motion that like, after that initial no emotion so I thought, okay. I thought I was normal. Like it's okay. Not every, people don't. Cry for every little thing. And. 

So that's how I was taught to handle it. Just it was the. I guess I'm a private thing. I don't know. 

[00:50:04] Justine: I wonder, why are we not taught about how to handle grief? Why is that not a conversation? At all and, and death is a part of life. 

[00:50:15] Track 2: I mean The only thing, any. Either. Either my parents have ever asked are you okay? Are you fine? I'm like, yeah. What am I supposed to tell you? No, I'm dying inside. What w what are you gonna do? To me, that's how I like approach this. 

Is it the healthy, probably not. 

[00:50:32] Taylor: But I think as a society,

It's just. It's one of those topics you just don't talk about. Yes. I'm like, and. It's it. It's another one of those that's completely mind blowing because it's like you said Justine it's the one guarantee in life, you are going to die. You're here. You're going to leave. There is no if ands or buts. 

You just don't know what it's going to happen. And the fact that people don't have those conversations, then like on one of the episodes we had done before your parents don't want to talk, your mom doesn't want to talk about death preparations. 

No, be. 

[00:51:08] Justine: doesn't even want to talk about her will. And it's my brother tried to talk to her about it too. And after my mom passed away and she's He has things prepared, but doesn't, she doesn't have anything completely signed and she's oh deal with it. When we get there, it's no, let's deal with it now. 

[00:51:26] Amanda: Now. Yeah, no, that's my mom, like when my grandmother passed again and I asked. What happens when you and my dad go? What, is there anything specific you want? She was like, no, just. Make sure. I go to the church, make sure we have a church. And make me sure the priest is present and I'm just like, and my dad was like, I don't give a fuck. 

And I'm just like great guys. That's great. 

[00:51:46] Track 1: I

[00:51:47] Amanda: That's real helpful. That's giving me a wonderful outline. 

Seriously. And then I'm like, okay, where's the paper because I know you guys have your your area Your great months. My dad that my dad refused to be on the ground. That was the one thing he was like, don't do. Don't ever put me in the ground. So they bought their areas. 

Yeah. In the little mausoleum area and I'm like where's the paperwork. She's oh, it's somewhere. I'm like, are you kidding me? Do you now? And she's got papers everywhere. Like I wouldn't be able to find any of this. And not only that. But she is in charge of the So when my maternal grandmother passed, she did pretty much the whole thing. She was the executor of the estate. Not even she didn't have. 

And she was really facto. Yes. Because none of her other siblings really want to deal with it. So she took charge of getting all the things packed and sent, shipped back to Jersey, having her body transported, planning the funeral, the whole thing. Obviously most of her siblings, they didn't have money. 

So she's. Which babies, basically her and my dad paid for the whole thing. And so that included the plot. And in that plot, it was three spaces. ' cause she always assumed that when her. One of her siblings past. There are two specific siblings that, were very down on their luck at the time. And so she assumed that, when they pass, it's better to just have something ready. 

And then she bought another one. A couple of years later, just in case I'm like, just in case what's there are people who do that. By several, cause you never know who might need it. But here's the thing though. She's got all these things, but it's like, Where's the paperwork. What happens when you pass? Is there leave me instructions on what you want. 

Or else, guess what? I'm going to do? What I want. 

[00:53:31] Justine: Yeah, there needs definitely needs to be a well, 

[00:53:34] Amanda: yeah. And she, they

[00:53:36] Justine: I just don't 

[00:53:36] Amanda: like very irritating.

[00:53:38] Justine: I don't know why. Why they don't want to do that. They don't want to have that conversation. 

[00:53:44] Taylor: Because it's facing your own mortality. 

[00:53:46] Amanda: Y'all got it. Do it.

[00:53:47] Track 1: it's smart. 

[00:53:48] Track 2: My not right now. 

Right now. Come on. 

[00:53:53] Track 1: Okay.

[00:53:53] Taylor: only thing I can say for it

though. Because Pete. Okay, you go.

[00:53:58] Justine: No. I was like, like these things. This is a preppers. preparation for the death. Preparation for dying, and what's going to happen because we need to take care of things after people die. But there's also the conversation about your emotion. Oh, emotions. The grieving process of the person dying. So I think, granted. 

We still don't have those two conversations, but I feel like those are also two separate conversations. Like right now we're focusing on. What's happening. All the setup that needs to be done. After that person passes away, but again, not touching too much on emotions, which is fine because again, we're just, we're sticking to a specific topic and. 

But again, We still don't want to talk about both of them. And that's a problem. 

[00:54:44] Track 2: I think that's a good place to stop for today. I would like to say thank you to my lovely co-hosts for the honesty. And we would like to thank you. Our listeners for the same today's discussion. 

Don't worry, we'll be back next time to continue our discussion. As we delve deeper into the levels of grief. 

[00:55:03] Track 1: As always, if you enjoy today's episode, please like comment and share our conversation with your friends and family. Let us know your thoughts on our Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and ticktock pages at United us friends. Or shoot us an email@unitedasfriendsatgmail.com.