S2 EP 2: Do You Love Yourself, Continued

After some technical difficulties, we finally got to finish our conversation about loving yourself! We explore our inner monologue, digging to find the root cause of our thought process and finally answer the question: "Do You Really Love Yourself?" Join in on the conversation through our social media pages. 

Transcript

[00:00:00] United As Friends: Hey, y'all welcome to United AI. As friends podcast, a show where we try to unravel the complexities of our multicultural friendship and existing because millennials in today's world every other week, we'll get us together for a deep dive into how our friendship has survived and have some laughs while doing it.

We're your hosts, Amanda Justine and Taylor.

[00:00:23] Taylor: Because it's going to be so hi everybody. I know this is weird. Welcome back to the same episode we experienced because we're always learning and doing new things. We experienced. 

[00:00:35] Justine: Shit ton of Technical 

[00:00:36] Taylor: technical difficulty. So we had to come back a whole week later. So we're now going to jump back in. And follow up on the loving ourselves. Guide and last week Justine showed us her amazing, How do I love myself? Self-love kind of. map of things. No, sorry. Self care map of things. 

where, and then me and Amanda. both admitted that we don't care about ourselves at all. So this 

week 

[00:01:10] Justine: that you don't care about yourself. You don't practice. Self-care. You do care about yourself, but you don't practice. Self-care 

[00:01:19] Taylor: Agree to disagree. So Justine is asking us if we actually implemented any 

[00:01:27] Amanda: So last week I told you guys how, I wake up four in the morning. It's habit And cause I have nothing to do. Cause I would take care of my dog at that time. I was always walking to work. So I stopped that and not looking it's the work. 

not joke Yes. So I actually, so Taylor, you guys, I think it was Taylor, you mentioned the Kindle app on the phone, right? Yes. That's what I as I got a book and I've been reading, 

[00:01:57] Justine: very nice.

What book are you reading? 

[00:02:01] Amanda: crap. What's it called? about ashes. A wars happening. It's in a fantasy world. 

with magic and shit, and there's a war happening. And there's these little key players and. I guess Falcon. Like a faction? Yes. They're like, they're all humans. Most of them anyway. The different parts. They're like why people and like Marshall people and scholars or whatever. can't remember what the title is, but it's pretty interesting. 

[00:02:30] Justine: you can just look at your Kendall. 

[00:02:35] Amanda: It's a series. It's a series. We're just going to let her figure that out on. 

Having a massive discovery later. Yes. it's called an Ember in the ashes and I'm on book three, this four books. 

[00:02:47] Justine: Okay. Very 

[00:02:49] Taylor: she's on book three. Wait, so you're on book three this week. Yeah, I've read three books this week. 

[00:02:54] Justine: Oh shit. Wow. 

[00:02:57] Taylor: Okay. 

[00:02:58] Justine: That's 

[00:02:58] Taylor: what I got to ask the question, cause I deal with the Kindle app. What's your reading goal for 2020. really have one. Am I

[00:03:06] Justine: Listen, listen, listen, this, listen, don't talk about a goal right now. She is small steps to the self care. What she achieved this past week is, is so important and we're going to, you don't put a goal into it. Don't just know we're gonna, we're gonna celebrate that. Amanda did some self care.

This week started a new routine and she's going to continue to do that. 

[00:03:34] Taylor: I'm proud of you. too. It was not my mind to mess up. Things with the goal. I just wanted to know, because she has the app. It has the thing where you set it up. I just wanted to know. I didn't know, you could do that. it's on the homepage. but I'll show you that. I'll tell you that with that later, Okay. My minuscule. Self care thing is I now remember my skincare routine before I go to bed.

[00:03:59] Justine: very 

[00:04:00] Taylor: it all whole week. And I actually remembered, so we'll see if it makes it two weeks. 

[00:04:06] Justine: Okay. 

[00:04:09] Taylor: I don't know this week was good for me because we were still remote for work. So I was going in, but there were no students, so there's a lot less stress when there's like only seven people in the building with you. But we did have a Onsite testing on Thursday, which was a bit hectic, but. 

We're going to see how my actual stress. 

pose forward next week. But maybe steps remembered in my face is shiny stuff. I guess it's coming. 

[00:04:42] Justine: Yeah, I know I just, I do want to share it that I am practicing some self-care tonight. I am going to get a massage at the time massage and it's going to be 

[00:04:58] Taylor: They're more gentle than the Swedish cause Swedish is No.

it was backwards. Backwards. The Swedish massage 

is the light. 

hands Thai where they beat you 

up 

[00:05:09] Justine: Not beat you up. 

there. Their 

pressure is and they also 

[00:05:15] Taylor: They beat you up.

[00:05:17] Justine: They have a written, they'll beat you up. Like really not bad. You know, obviously there's a to hold on. And then they just, you know, push very gently. But obviously lot of pressure was somebody standing on your back?

But because I deep tissue, w it's not me. If you do it tight, deep tissue, that attacked. Because that is, that is like the pressure there. I can't handle. yeah, but Yeah. if you want gentle go, sweetie. 

[00:05:47] Taylor: can't. I need somebody. I need somebody with football or hands a

camera really got to work at nights 

[00:05:53] Justine: Oh, so you do one, like a deep tissue, 

[00:05:55] Taylor: why I 

was 

[00:05:56] Justine: oh, okay. So then try the try the, But definitely do not go for a tight, deep tissue your first time around. And if you have the option to do a combination of a tie and Swedish massage, 

[00:06:09] Taylor: one side is 

[00:06:10] Justine: just cause it's like, it's, it's just 50 50th, like Swedish and then Thai massage as well.

And that is that way. It's not a full on Tai if you haven't had 

[00:06:19] Taylor: Okay. 

[00:06:21] Justine: I only know this because my flatmate in LA worked at a Thai massage place and she would always recommend doing a combo 

[00:06:28] Taylor: The more, 

[00:06:29] Track 2: you know, 

[00:06:29] Taylor: Thank you for that.

[00:06:37] Taylor: Okay. Before our technical difficulties and some things might be missing at this point because we're not a hundred percent sure on we were talking about the positivity of your circle and everything that you've cultivated in the past decade of your life. And what you want going forward. So now we're going to come back to. 

What. Those Jimminy cricket tell you. So we each have an inner voice. Just follow me for a second. I know Both of you got real. 

let your conscience be your guy. Jimmy cricket. What is your. 

get it. But. 

Because the question I'm asking is what does your inner voice say to you, Amanda?

[00:07:30] Justine: I fight with myself all the time. So I am I ready for Taylor's question? 

[00:07:36] Taylor: Okay. Justine first up to bat. Is your inner voice positive or negative?

[00:07:42] Justine: Oh, definitely negative?

hands down negative, 

[00:07:46] Taylor: Why, why do you say that?

[00:07:49] Justine: I don't always believe that something positive would happen. and I guess like with family shooting down or suppressing dreams things like Oh, don't do that. Like, to me, like positivity is not so that's why it's like, oh, you should believe that it's not going to Or don't think that it's going to have a good turnout and things like that. So it's always, definitely, always 

[00:08:14] Taylor: That's that. 

I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna remark on it.

Amanda, 

what not judging. I'm not judging you obviously it's the people around you, but I'm going to come

back to that. Amanda, what about you? I'm going to probably have to go with negative too. I'm very much the type who's hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. 

[00:08:33] Track 2: you know?

Um, 

[00:08:35] Justine: She's just writing Deborah thoughts and 

[00:08:40] Taylor: yeah, I get it. The first thing. I was like, is this a therapy session? 

[00:08:44] Track 2: Um, 

[00:08:45] Taylor: I love that was, yeah, they probably are 

[00:08:49] Justine: Yes. 

[00:08:51] Taylor: Low key said, we're not ready to go to professionally yet. So we're going to work on this In our own cheap way. 

[00:09:03] Amanda: In terms of. 

I guess what. When you say. My in my is my inner voice positive or negative. It's just like for everything. or Certain aspects or 

[00:09:14] Justine: I think it can be so many different things. but you can think of what is the majority as well, because definitely for beauty, let's say I have definitely have negative, inner thoughts for. but I can be positive maybe in my work environment and relationships with your friends or your family. 

[00:09:35] Taylor: It was that. 

that I bought, look, it's a question. There's no path to it. I believe I have several different inner voices. which one, you say it out loud. It's I've got split personalities, but I don't, the way you're saying yours is always negative is what you're getting, Because even in you saying. 

I feel better than other people. And there wasn't a lot of confidence behind. that. 'cause I know in the back of your head your inner voice is do you want to say this out loud? 

I 

[00:10:04] Justine: And then also the 

modesty that I, the modest person that I am, I'm not going to a hundred percent say I am better than other people. 

[00:10:12] Taylor: Yeah, even though you're in the right to.

[00:10:15] Justine: Yeah, 

[00:10:16] Taylor: yeah. cause. I feel like we're all, we were all probably raised the same way in the sense that. Don't brag. Like, it's not pretty yet.

[00:10:24] Amanda: thing, but at the same time, it's like sometimes she cut on the It's okay. You can do it. But then I thought I still don't do it. 

[00:10:31] Taylor: Let's your actions be your bragging rights. That's what you gotta do. You don't have to say it. Cause a lot of people talk a bunch of game about stuff.

but just let your actions speak for him. And 

[00:10:40] Justine: I hate it 

[00:10:41] Taylor: sit in the 

[00:10:41] Justine: talk the talk, but can't walk the walk and we are walkers walk all over. 

[00:10:56] Taylor: Alright. So. Do you think

that your, 

[00:10:59] Justine: question. What about you? 

[00:11:01] Taylor: I said I have several 

different voices, different you paid attention. 

I know it was all good. But yeah, no. I can just say be nice. I'm sorry. is that Apparently not. 

I have different ones that pop up in different ways. And like you said, you have certain ones that are positive, certain ones that are negative. I just think mine are more. 

Mine are more neutral because they make me see both sides. Every single time I do things which makes me take forever to make this. 

Just like, okay. is it this or that? This is the, and then that's that whole micromanaging other people's feelings thing that pops up. And I feel like I do that so much. 

How are my actions going to make the other person feel? And I feel like it's not fair that I have that. Just constant stream of everybody. And I realized that when I do it, 

so tired at the end of the day.

like even, 

[00:11:55] Justine: to, to think about what other people feel and then, you know, make your decisions based on that. 

[00:12:03] Taylor: Oh, yeah. Most definitely. It's just, but I, th I don't know how to turn it off. 

So ingrained in me, but it's definitely something that I got from my grandmother and not my mother, Cause she does not micromanage. Other people's feelings. She will tell you how it is and everything, but my grandmother was such 

[00:12:21] Justine: people, pleaser, 

[00:12:23] Taylor: I was like, wait, she was just such 

a grand scale nurturer. 

And AMPATH type person to where everybody's coming to go see her to cry and talk about what's going on in their lives and things that in the now decades, since she has left this world, We're finding out now that people told her that she literally took to her grave. But we're like what. But, yeah, so like I took that because I like that in her, but didn't realize the mental taxation that has on it. 

And those are things that as you get older, you have to learn. You're like, okay, you can be nice to other people in these things, but you also have to take care of you. 

So this goes back to. Does your inner voice push you towards things or does it pull you away from making these changes in your life? 

What are you I had it. 

[00:13:17] Amanda: my inner voice is probably don't trust the girl. Don't do it. Yeah, it's it tells me to be cautious. Which, not always such a great thing because I don't take risks because of it. Probably, yeah, it's not. 

I'm not the type to normally put myself out there. I just sit back and wait and see type of person. I like to observe the situation before. I Step into it. 

But, For my career. If I want to get ahead, I'm gonna have to learn how to step out there. 

I haven't figured out how to do that yet, but yeah. 

The scene said, baby steps. We all have to make. them baby steps, but sometimes you do need somebody to push you off a cliff. 

Justine is great. she is definitely great at making you jump off a cliff. You don't want to jump off of.

so I think 

[00:14:04] Justine: I'm a good example of jumping off cliffs? 

[00:14:08] Taylor: Yes and no, but not really 

because you're the, you, you are the person I'm. It was for awhile. I don't know what Justine's, where she's going to school. I don't know where she's working, but she's doing both. And I know she's enrolled at. She was getting a paycheck somewhere, but you're always grass never grows underneath your feet. All those words you're like no. I need to go get something somewhere else because this isn't working for me. 

And you're, But at the same time, when we come to you with okay, should I do this? Should I do that. You are good for saying. XYZ. 

Just do. So that's what I say, 

Push you up. You're good to push other people off clips. Not exactly us, because there's a lot of. 

I don't want to say ego involved in. Each of us, but we are. very stubborn. All three of us, very head we're all very headstrong in our own. 

[00:15:03] Track 2: Right. 

[00:15:03] Taylor: But 

we do take each other's advice.

[00:15:05] Justine: Yeah. And I don't like, I'm going to use your Taylor as an example. Right. I mean, maybe when we were like younger and we were both working at the bakery, you helped out with the PR firm and things like that. I think that that was a time when I was much more like pushing you to do something or not do something.

But there was one conversation that we had in probably was during the podcast. I can't remember. Whereas like you take people's advice, but you also don't necessarily list. I don't remember what it was exactly, but it was just like, you know what? I shouldn't push her so much. She should really make, she should make the decision herself and I could only provide the advice. 

or suggestion and then just leave a B if you want to act on it, you can act on it.

And I'm like, I'm not going to be emotionally involved in it because it's again, your life, your decision. And I'm just here to support you as a friend.

[00:16:11] Taylor: And that's all I can ask for. And I think it was a lot of people. Cause a lot of people will tell me things. but 

[00:16:17] Track 2: I get, 

[00:16:18] Taylor: I get pissed off at people trying to tell me what to do. 

because that's it. I never liked it when I saw it happen to other people. So I made it my goal, never to let other people dictate what I was doing, 

that I would make the decisions. 

so I. 

can get all of the greatest advice in the world, but I won't take it just because it's not something I want at that time, even though I know what I need. but if I'm coming my. 

I know my problem is getting comfortable. But if I'm comfortable in that moment, just leave me be that's really it. My bills and pay. I'm good. I don't need anything else right now. Let me just figure it out. 

[00:17:06] Taylor: All right. So going to continue with this inner voice when good I know you guys hate it and that's the whole point of this thing is. Having to have the conversations about things about yourself that you hate. So when good things start to happen. 

Do you automatically go, okay. Something bad is coming or do you just.

[00:17:26] Justine: oh, definitely the former, so the, the great example is, when I decided to take my masters in London and you did one thing after another apply, get accepted. And I'm getting so excited. Right. And then it comes to the visa of like, great.

I have to, speed up. The visa process, pays shit, ton of money, all that other stuff. And then I'm just waiting on this visa and stuff. And it was like everything one right after the other, I got accepted. Whatever it is just again, getting really excited. I'm like, okay, this is the last step.

And I'm like, oh my God, what if I don't pass the visa? And they deny me and all of that other stuff. So yeah. Like when, when things go really, really well, there's one thing that I'm just like, Ugh, it's, it's, something's gotta go bad. Something's gotta be wrong. Something's gotta go wrong because it can't be that all of these things are happening.

So, well, and it's just like, you know, on a good streak. And so that's, that's definitely one example where I'm just like, something needs to go wrong. but it didn't 

[00:18:28] Taylor: How about you, Amanda? 

[00:18:30] Amanda: No. What Good things do happen. I go. With it. Oddly enough? 

[00:18:38] Taylor: What do you say, oddly enough?

[00:18:40] Justine: Because of 

[00:18:41] Taylor: I tend to,

[00:18:43] Justine: inner, inner voice. 

[00:18:45] Track 2: well, 

[00:18:46] Amanda: good things happen. I go with it, but I don't always. 

I say this. not, I don't. Rust it. I just think, okay. 

Don't be too 

Don't just dump ball in or whatever, just take it in sections, taken slowly type of thing. 

[00:19:03] Taylor: Okay. So Justine, I want to go back to something needs 

to go wrong. So. that statement right there is very loaded in that. 

In your box of. mental tools. There's something there that's 

[00:19:22] Track 2: like, okay, 

[00:19:22] Taylor: okay. Too much happiness. Do you ever get to that point where you're like, I am just too happy. And then why do you think you can't just be happy for that, those moments? 

[00:19:34] Justine: I don't think I've ever gotten to a point where I'm like, I'm just so happy. I think it's more excitement for something. And if it's one thing I don't think, like in general, my whole life, would be happy. There've been times when I would, I think there was like one time where I did wake up happy.

It was just like, okay, I'm really happy today. And that was really nice. 

[00:19:57] Taylor: What do you think that Stems from, or can you figure something that would stem from, or is that just how you've always been. 

[00:20:04] Justine: I think most of it does stem from growing up and, the whole family it'd saying where it's. I find out things that I want to do and I want to enjoy, but then it gets turned down because if they think of it as a career, it does, it's not going to be stable. It's not going to make a lot of money And I think it's also because my family was never really happy. There was always issues, whether that was my mom and dad fighting. it's just like, I don't think anybody can live a hundred percent. Happy without any issues. Like that's just such a, I don't know, like a sitcom, a TV show. It's so unrealistic, even though we talk about those episodes of Thanksgiving, when those TV shows where they're , showing that people get mad on Thanksgiving and just yell at each other and I'm like, that doesn't happen. so I think it's just, yeah, it's like, I, know my life can't be a hundred percent amazing.

It needs to have, I think it also then helps me be a bit more grounded and modest and not living was it living with my head in the clouds? All the time being, able to, Look around and say, okay, this is where I am and I still need to work hard or, do things in order to actually strike, preach some goals. 

[00:21:35] Taylor: That's very honest. Thank you for sharing that. 

[00:21:38] Justine: You're welcome. 

[00:21:38] Taylor: think that when things I'm very I actually, all on one team. Justine. That when things. are going way too. positively, I'm like, okay, there's another shoe somewhere. That's going to come and hit me in the face. And the thing is, I just always feel like I'm. 

I am unlucky. The people around me are lucky, but I'm unlucky in that. I try when I try to do things, there's always a limit. I see other people and there's no limit for them. But for me, there's always something that's a limit. And I just, I've tried to figure out if it's just like mentally I'm. 

setting myself up for it, or if it's literally just the luck, of, it's literally the luck of the draw. And my luck is not in anything that I've attempted yet. 

So that's how I feel about it.

[00:22:23] Justine: Do you have an example of that? So we could try to pinpoint if it is the way that you are limiting yourself versus the look of the. 

[00:22:31] Taylor: I don't have any example. I know when I. Try things. A lot at six out of 10 times, it's going to be a no. And I'm 

I'm gonna try something different. Even with the whole job process and just the job hunt when we graduated. I was like, what am I doing wrong? I know how to speak well, and the thing is. Every time I'd go to an interview, or if I was like, oh, you're so well spoken. And. 

Dah. And then you get either the phone call that. we really enjoyed you, but then we went with somebody else. Okay, that's fine. Whatever. And then. The one that really got me was she interviewed me and she goes, I found out once you left, the HR had already hired somebody for the position. 

[00:23:10] Track 2: Like, 

[00:23:11] Taylor: Ah, 

[00:23:12] Justine: eight 

[00:23:12] Taylor: you.

Great. And. Those are your people, so you can 

talk to them, But like, it's just every time I go to make. a Decision something happens and it's always. I think it's just financially, I feel that way and that we graduated college. Oh, no, we went to high school. How Market crashed, graduated college market crash. Okay. So I'm fighting. With. 

The people who are being put back into the job, like recession. Okay. Whatever. That's fine. Then when I go to my current job. when I can go to make the steps to leave. I've made three attempts. so far to leave this job. But. something has happened. in my life at the same. 

Time I said, you can't go. And the 

last one Was the COVID pandemic. And It was like, is a guarantee job. Go with. it. Something is telling me I need to be here and that, but so. It's I'm fighting myself on it. because at one time in one aspect. 

I'm feeling like it's the negativity, but at the same time, I'm also like, okay. When the universe. Puts stuff in front of you. You're supposed to listen. You're not supposed to go against. At the same time. So it's like fighting both paths of myself, have muscle. and. it's just a circular thought. at this point in that. 

it's just not my time to shine. That's how I'm putting it out there for myself. So I'm just keep working. like I'm doing and that work on my resume. 

[00:24:46] Justine: okay. So you're fighting with, you said yourself in what the universe puts 

[00:24:52] Taylor: in front of you. 

[00:24:54] Justine: So one, I don't believe really in signs you're or you're always the one who's like, you know, there's a reason why this happens and yada, yada, yada, I'm just wondering what if you tried to not think about those signs, because that is part of limiting you.

Cause one, you, you believe in it, right? So you're, it's limiting you and you're what if you're just like, fuck it. I'm going to go out and try it. And if it sucks, I mean, if, if you fail, then it sucks. If you succeed, then it's fricking amazing and sorry about the signs that the universe is giving me. But if there's this a rooted belief, like obviously that's very, that's going to be very difficult to push to the side and say, no, this is my time. And I need to do it when I feel like I'm ready. And this is the time to do. And I'm not going to, you know, if the universe says, no, sorry, universe,

[00:25:56] Taylor: Yeah, it is. Rooted. In me It's I dunno. I was Just. 

[00:26:02] Justine: because 

[00:26:02] Taylor: something I had to work on because 

[00:26:04] Justine: sorry. Also, what if, I mean, I don't, I you weren't giving any signs that were positive from the universe. What if you just think all of these signs are negative?

[00:26:20] Taylor: that actually might be it. It's something I have to start examining.

[00:26:24] Justine: And so therefore I think that, it's really just an internal thing versus the luck of the draw. Because you have that negative thought or you're seeing this sign and you're like, oh, It's a negative sign from the universe, but what is you had, if you just looked another way, there was a positive sign right there staring at your face, but you just weren't looking at it. 

[00:26:48] Taylor: I'll start looking in both directions now. 

[00:26:52] Justine: I feel like I'm solving like so many things like this weekend, not just, you 

[00:26:57] Taylor: Can you 

work on world Hunger. 

[00:27:01] Justine: like internal issues. 

So I'm just like, wow. Okay. 

[00:27:05] Taylor: This is good. This isn't showing them the learning process of. You learning a new skill set that you. have developed. over the 

years. And it. Works. Because a lot of times I feel like I'm on the other side, I'm on your side normally where I'm trying to help other people figure out what's up. 

And I need somebody to do that for me to say, Hey let's figure this out. Let's work on this. get you bear. because That's. you

[00:27:30] Justine: I'm so excited for you now, now that you're like, okay, I think it is, you know, you think It is me. 

or you 

[00:27:37] Taylor: It is me. 

[00:27:39] Justine: you need to look at these signs more in a positive light than the negative. 

[00:27:44] Taylor: It's not the universe. It's me. 

then on a T-shirt. 

[00:27:56] Justine: So then why do you have all of those negative thoughts? Where is that stemming from? 

[00:28:05] Taylor: I think myself because nobody's ever. Really told me not to do stuff. The one time in my life, my mom told me not to do something was when I was applying to Caltech. 

You're not, that was the only time I was told I couldn't do something. You're not nerdy enough. That's the one time she's yes.

[00:28:22] Justine: I said, Don't work for that person. I did 

[00:28:26] Taylor: Oh yeah, you. did. You did. 

[00:28:29] Justine: Hmm, I'm going to try it. I'm like girl, but I was. warning you. It's not. 

[00:28:35] Taylor: I was thinking about her and I was like that one I should have said no to put that was also, We were all so

young. I was trying to learn and you know, how. I am with difficult people. They're always a challenge to me. 

[00:28:49] Justine: Is it a fun challenge though, Amanda? 

[00:28:54] Taylor: Okay. So when you don't get paid for doing the work. No. But. I don't know. I feel like. So I have a thing of bullies and 

[00:29:07] Track 2: that's, 

[00:29:07] Taylor: that's what she was. 

And I think that her and our other. shared boss 

were both arrogant boss. are arrogant bullies. And it's my goal in life to bring those people down. But she was a mountain. I was not equipped for. 

[00:29:27] Justine: Okay. '

[00:29:28] Taylor: cause I was like, 19. I couldn't drink. it. know I was the only college I. couldn't drink it. I did not. have what her level of arrogance and self-entitlement. I was not ready for. But as a 30 year old, I could work for her now and, it would be 

[00:29:47] Track 2: much different, 

[00:29:49] Taylor: much different experience now. Because I have interacted with a Pantheon of pompous people. 

And you. Learn how to Say things in a certain way. To them. that they don't realize 

you've got. Them doing what you want them to do, not what they want you to do. And you. still get to the same goal, but just not in the convoluted way, they want you to do it. And I'm like, because when you. tell people 

Wouldn't it be smarter just to go in a straight line. than the 42. Steps. Do you want to do this then? And they're like no. My way is much better. We've done this before. I'm like, okay. 

But then you go, oh, I saw that you were doing. it. And I found out that such and such. Dah, And eventually you get them. Think that's smarter. Very good. Very good. But yeah, no. Oh, God Never again. I will never interact with someone from her background. Like that now. 

I apologize. I did not take that advice. Did not. 

[00:30:46] Justine: It's all right. 

[00:30:46] Taylor: But when I write My memoir, I will be. writing that 

[00:30:50] Track 2: one 

[00:30:50] Taylor: full name. Everything. I still. love the fact that she. Reached out to me several times to ask me if I wanted a job. 

Oh, wow. 

And I was like, why you still have. My email address. 

She's desperate. Yes. She needs someone to work. 

For her 

and no, she doesn't need somebody to work for her. She. needs somebody to give her ideas so she can take the credit. That's her. issue. One of 

those people that

Was her issue. My next question. What do you think is good in you? 

Oh, That's. 

[00:31:31] Justine: I mean, I'm kind of ready for that because of the epiphany that I had about myself. Yes. The destiny that I had about myself, like in December or whatever. or whenever we did that recording, 

it was I'm. Yeah. It's like, I'm smart. In some things I can stay saying, I like arts and culture. I mean, I, am I answering your question properly? okay. I've worked on like the emotional stuff and working on being able to, to express what I'm feeling. And I really enjoying that because suppressing your thoughts and emotions and not having to get that off your chest.

It's so. It's not good. And, I prefer to talk about how I feel and try to assess that, reflect on it and things like that. and I've worked on, I mean, what I, okay. I like my body, I did work on it, working out, obviously doing the breast augmentation. I can see 2020, which is nice. 

[00:32:40] Taylor: That has nothing to do with your breast augmentation though.

No, but she got 

Lisa, right? I know. You Didn't say laser eye surgery. 

[00:32:49] Justine: Uh, 

[00:32:49] Taylor: And I can see. 

It 

[00:32:51] Justine: yeah, because 

[00:32:52] Taylor: has nothing to do with each other. I'm not saying it for us 

cause we know. 

what I'm saying for other 

[00:32:57] Justine: I know. I just realized like, yes, the cat sees that I'm pointing to my eyes. yeah. So I, worked on a lot of. For myself this year and it's making me feel good about myself. and, I like that. I am a very assertive person and, and I, to make decisions and I'm happy about most of my decisions in life. 

[00:33:21] Taylor: well, snaps up. That's an awesome thing to feel. It really is like, 

just that, that is empowering you're like. I'm happy with myself. because you said not too long ago. I don't, it's like waking up and I feel happy. Isn't a normal thing. 

And that, but

yeah, No, you go.

[00:33:43] Justine: No, it's was a very long journey and I would say the breast augmentation stuff subconsciously. Put a lot of confidence in me cause I felt more and that's what I always wanted. And what I always talked about, when I said about the breast augmentation and it's not a snap decision of like, let's go get boobs.

It's more of like, it was 10 years, 12 years in the making 

[00:34:08] Taylor: I would say 

12, 14 

[00:34:10] Justine: yeah. Cause I was saving up money for that. And I want to feel like a woman, an adult woman, because I'm petite and my boobs were mosquito bites and I didn't, you know, like it was, difficult to buy some dresses sometimes, or outfits.

And I didn't feel confident because, I didn't have the right, body type to wear that sometimes. So, yeah, I just, I think that has also helped me be, feel a lot more confident. even though I wasn't anticipating it, 

[00:34:42] Taylor: That's good. Like I said, that's, it shows such growth in you. And just the time that we've done this podcast From the way you talked. About yourself. Till. immediately. In those weeks after we only recorded like two more episodes, but your presence. Did shift a little like. 

You're. A like snowball, just picking up more and more, getting bigger and bigger. You're getting a, you becoming a bigger snowball going downhill in your confidence, which is amazing. 

And we left those things about. 

[00:35:16] Justine: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I just realized, like, it was all just like exterior. Majority of it was like exterior characteristics, but not my internal stuff. 

[00:35:25] Taylor: What are those things? 

[00:35:27] Justine: Well, I think it's, is talk about it, 

[00:35:36] Taylor: And just so many thoughts.

[00:35:38] Justine: it's like, it's, I guess those like deep conversations and again, that very, the theme of this podcast being very introspective reflective of what's going on and accepting. And, acknowledging and accepting what has happened to you in the past to make you real and make you do the things that you're doing.

And then you're like, oh wait, because of that, because of what happened in my childhood, this is what I'm doing. And then it's making that adjustment so that you don't constantly live like that. So I'm really liking this part of my brain at the moment, because it's just a lot of, , pointing out those things and, and just, and changing what your thoughts are so that it can be more positive and it can be more self-loving 

[00:36:27] Taylor: there we go. Hello. To this side of Justine's. Brain. 

[00:36:42] Taylor: So miss Amanda. Bandha. Good part of yourself, of your being. Body soul and mind. What do you. Enjoy about yourself. 

[00:36:52] Amanda: I think. The thing I like most about myself is probably. 

That's. I don't. Tend to. 

I think I'm pretty sure. I think I'm pretty sure I go I do this. Go with the flow in a sense, like, I don't. I try not. To make waves. Not. that I don't make waves. Sometimes I do. But it's that. I'm not gonna Stress out about the things. That come my way. I take it in. I go with it. I move on. 

type of thing. I adjust. I adapt. There we go. I adapt. 

That's my thing. 

I was like, I just know, that's not the right word. 

I adapt, Yeah. That's all I could think of. 

Like physically. 

it's, I've never put too much emphasis on my physical. Appearance. Back when Kmart was still open, my ass was going out there with a towel wrapped around my head and pajamas. Okay. So like appearance. don't mean nothing to me and all the. Other stuff, the emotions, emotional stuff. I'm not great at that. 

It's not my area. It's not something. I like to try to like, Think about and delve deep And like Justine, I'd rather just be like, okay. all right happened. 

Okay, move on. Just go. Like I try not to. think about it. Cause I don't, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't know how to process. 

heavy emotions. 

So I try not to think about it. Type of thing. 

[00:38:27] Justine: So, how do you think it should be processed? So you're saying you don't know how to process it? Like what, what do you think processing emotions are 

[00:38:36] Amanda: Actually probably. Just like. Finding the Root cause of it, dealing with it. don't do that? 

[00:38:45] Justine: due to 

[00:38:46] Taylor: about it. I just don't even think about it sometimes. I just go. Do something. else. So I don't think about. What's happening.

[00:38:58] Justine: Well, I think that's also a good thing too, because then you don't over think it, I mean, not for thinker. 

[00:39:03] Taylor: Oh, I'm definitely an over-thinker. 

I think that's oh, 

yes. So I just don't think about. it. That's why that's A 

A Lot of people tell me. I can't drive a car because I'm overthinking it. 

I think you can't drive a car cause you're playing chess while you're driving. And you don't want to. 

have to predict everybody. Else's. Things. But I can see it. From a overthinking point of view. But. you're getting older. And you're going to be confronted with so many more things. Do you think that this. isn't Going to keep working or is this something you'd like to get help? To improve. 

Or are you good with status quo? And you just going to let the chips fall?

[00:39:48] Amanda: I don't think it's going to work as I get older. It's not. At some. point I'm probably going to crumble. And have a breakdown or something. I dunno. But at the same. time, I'm not good at asking for help. I'm not good. I don't like showing weakness in a sense. 

It's not weakness to ask for help when it comes to I know, but I 

know that 

[00:40:15] Track 2: like,

[00:40:15] Justine: of being 

[00:40:16] Track 1: vulnerable. 

[00:40:17] Amanda: There you

go. 

[00:40:18] Justine: nobody wants to be vulnerable in front. Like, you know, I don't like to be vulnerable in front of you guys. I'd actually rather be vulnerable in front of a stranger, so totally get it. 

[00:40:28] Taylor: Yeah. 

So, is that something you want to work on though? 

[00:40:33] Amanda: I probably should. Just not Answer the question. 

[00:40:38] Taylor: I know. Do you, sorry, I just kicked it. I'm sorry. I gotta rework. I gotta like, It's not. Okay. So let me re do the thing. The thing. is The question, sorry. Is it something you want to work on in the next five years of your life? Cause that was, that used to be my thing. It's not gonna matter or five years, but this is something that actually will matter in five years. 

Is this something you want to work on in the next five years of. your life for the next 10 years of your life. 

[00:41:08] Amanda: The next 10 and the next time you're gonna push your emotions. 10. decade of Amanda with no emotions. Okay, cool. Now, 

excuse me. 

[00:41:21] Taylor: It was me. I had a teacher tell me that I did not have any feelings, so I know that's why. I'm joking. It's a joke. It's a joke. All right. But no, in all seriousness, it's not hindering your life right now. 

I think you're Okay. Justine what do you think. 

[00:41:38] Justine: Yeah.

If it's not hindering your life right now, that's fine. And I yeah. Okay. With being vulnerable and asking for that help, because if you're not okay with it, then don't force yourself to do it. 

[00:41:51] Taylor: See. but Then that's conflicting. Advice because you also want to be the person to push her. Off. She goes, she says she doesn't. Take risks. So like all of this

[00:41:59] Justine: So, but the thing 

[00:42:01] Taylor: to factor. She doesn't want to take risks, but she doesn't want to take risks with her emotions. Either.

[00:42:05] Justine: Right. But once you is okay, so I'm going to take a dating analogy, sorry. but right. I was like, okay, I'm ready to put myself on to these dating apps and whatever, but I put myself onto the dating app and once I got onto it, I was like, oh my God, this is so stressful. I can't take it anymore. And then I just deleted that.

But then months later I'm like, okay, I feel better. I feel like I am definitely ready to do this and it's not going to be stressful. And so I put myself back on the dating apps and then, was fine with talking and, connecting with people. So a very simple analogy. So when Amanda is ready to be vulnerable and ask for help, that's great.

That's the first step she's going to ask for help the next step, which is going to be even harder to actually talk about those emotions and break it down. Again, a very hard thing to do, but at least she's there to be like, I'm okay to do this and I want the help for it. But I now have to try and talk about it.

I don't know if that helps my case. 

[00:43:16] Taylor: No, it does. You outlined things. Very well for her. Yes. I'm just playing devil's advocate. 

[00:43:22] Justine: Okay. 

[00:43:23] Taylor: That's what I always

[00:43:24] Justine: I hope I didn't scare you, man. Cause now he's like, no, I'm going to push it back to 20 years now. 

[00:43:31] Taylor: 50 is a good 

time to get in touch with your emotions.

[00:43:36] Justine: Way somebody tell you, like I said, that I'm okay with being vulnerable in front of strangers and such, and with the grief support groups. There were days when I was just like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to go to the session, but after I've done the session, it always feels good. And you. I'm happy.

I went to that. So there's going to be days when it's just like, I don't want to process these Emotions, and I don't want to be vulnerable, but once you, once you go through it, when you're ready to go through it, you'll be like, okay, that was a good session. 

[00:44:05] Taylor: Great. And then you can always, I keep saying. Journaling. 

I, and I'm the most inconsistent journaler. In that I went to it and I went a whole year without writing Anything down this past year. But I feel. Like I got. I need it because I had you guys. In doing this. But I was like, I have days where I'm like, I just need to process what I'm saying. 

[00:44:32] Justine: And 

[00:44:33] Taylor: And just write it down. 

[00:44:34] Justine: yeah. You could even say, I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know this. And I'm really angry. Like you CA you don't have to pinpoint it You could just say, I don't like this. What's going on. How do I feel? 

[00:44:44] Taylor: there's different ways of doing. It now It's not even. Coloring. journals I am always astounded. by the. People who do the bullet journals. And. They take. And it's The blank. Pages and they've got all. of these different, crazy things. This was my Emotional. Calendar. This was how I. felt at work today, this. was my, like my. Sleeping regimen. It's this list. just keeping track. Of things to help you figure out where. your inconsistencies are. And I think that's a good place To start. Find what works for you, Amanda. 

You've got 10 years to figure it out. 

right. 

Okay. So I guess it's my turn. What's good in me. I like. How. I how emotionally Aware I am. Because that helps me in a lot of situations. Where. Subtle cues for people can tell you're not Without having people can have the right, most. Regular face on, but they're doing something different and just picking up on IQ. I'm like, 

Okay. When we were done with this meeting, I'm going to pull you to the side say, okay, what's really going on. And As you right now. Cause This ain't normal for you. I like that. I'm that type of person I. cause you don't. Look at me and see bleeding heart. And that's the thing, Cause I'm very sentimental. 

Very like. I'm very Emotional where the two of you are very opposite of that. 

[00:46:18] Justine: Yes, definitely. 

[00:46:21] Taylor: And I think that the three of us Really worked because. I I am the emotions. For the three of us, sometimes not. So not to the fact that we're, I'm crying. Like, I'm not a puddle on. The floor, but I'm very much oh my God, can I give you a hug? Even though I know this is not what you want. Right. 

Now. But 

[00:46:38] Track 2: I've, 

[00:46:38] Taylor: I've learned boundaries. I don't think I've hugged Justine in 12, 15 years. 

[00:46:44] Justine: you had Demanda. 

[00:46:46] Taylor: Yes, I have hugged Amanda, 

because my 

Amanda's more receptive. 

[00:46:50] Justine: I see. 

[00:46:51] Taylor: to hugs It's because of my family. They like forced their hugs. on me. So I've gotten used to it. 

[00:46:57] Justine: well, I'll tell you 

[00:46:58] Taylor: So Amanda ever said. Stop. I would. 

[00:47:02] Justine: Well, my international friends here while I'm, most of them are international anyway, they all hug. And. so I have gotten use to people hugging. And, I'm being more receptive to hugs, not happy about it, but I'm getting 

[00:47:19] Taylor: And he'd go visit you. you're saying we need to hug you.

[00:47:22] Justine: No, not at all.

If you feel like it, you can, but I'm not gonna, you know, be open arms and say, 

[00:47:38] Taylor: Oh, my God. That'd be admitted. what happens. What? Who's holding you hostage blink twice. 

[00:47:54] Justine: okay, sorry, go ahead, Taylor. 

[00:47:56] Taylor: Yeah, no. I'm interested. In that hugging you think? Cause I thought that they were more like air kisses. people, the Europeans, 

but 

[00:48:03] Justine: That's why I say the internationals, but like, yeah, my the Italian friend and, know where to place her, but she used to work in New York for me, with me as well. she does hugs. Yeah. Pretty much non British people do hugs. 

[00:48:17] Taylor: Intriguing in times of Corona. folks are hugging you. All 

right. 

[00:48:22] Justine: there, you know, it's like, yeah, I want to hug you. my 

flatmate does 

[00:48:27] Taylor: I'm a hug. 

my fucking person. who doesn't Corona times. 

[00:48:30] Justine: My flatmate does like to hug, but she has, I really appreciate that she, holds back and she doesn't hug me. And when she does want to hug me, she tells me and I'm like, okay, that's fine. So I do appreciate that. 

[00:48:46] Taylor: See the little Changes. But we're not going To force you to stay. in ever. 

[00:48:54] Justine: Thank you. 

[00:48:55] Taylor: You're welcome. Yeah, I think I like the. I like that. I like helping other people. Even though. I have to learn to stop. because I forget that, sometimes when you're helping people, you're not helping them. I like my strength. I think those are my three things, both my mental strength and my physical. strength. I like those. I think those are the things I'm most like about myself. And that enjoy about myself because. There are times when people are like, oh, I need somebody to do this. And I'm like, okay, I'll do it. And they're like, really? Yes. People not do these things when you ask them all that's one thing I'm always confused that when people ask you to do something and you say yes, shocked that you say, yes. I'm like, why did you ask me? If. you didn't want me to help you, why did you ask me? I don't get that because people do that. They ask and they think you're going to say no. So they're just asking to ask. Why not? And then. think in the past year, Because. the past. of this pandemic I've really appreciated and enjoyed the fact that I am so emotionally aware of other people and that everyone was going through everything, but felt like they weren't allowed to complain. Because, people were dying and stuff and all all these were things. I was like no, because there's still that. That is a one thing we need to nip in the bud that you're not allowed to complain about not being able to. do. It's like you. Yes, you can be upset. We can all be upset about it, but we. Just have to see the. Big picture. That's the thing. But it's this isn't forever. We're not going to be stuck with this forever. You just have to. be like Amanda. Be adaptable. and change And be able to be open to these. things. And I think I I like that about myself, that I, try with the looking at things from. my Inner voice forcing me to look at Things from so many different perspectives. I know how to tell other people. I'm like, okay, just try it this way. And We'll figure it out from there and you can work. on it from that. yeah. 

[00:51:13] Taylor: So now we're going to go back to those questions. I started last week, I told you I to think about them. And now that we've done. all of This. introspection And reflection on How we feel about ourselves and What loving yourself looks like in taking care of yourself And seeing what works for you and what doesn't work for you.

I'm going to ask those questions now to you, and I need you to give me your most honest answer, do you. love yourself? Are you. on the road to loving yourself or are you still trying to Like yourself. So answer in reverse. 

So start with, are you still trying to like yourself.

[00:51:58] Justine: Yes. Yes. 

[00:52:00] Amanda: I don't make myself Just fine. Okay. I'm content with myself right now. 

[00:52:06] Taylor: All right. 

Me too. I like myself. I do like myself. I like who she is right now. I'm Okay with that. Okay. Are You on the. road to loving yourself. 

[00:52:17] Justine: Yes. 

[00:52:18] Taylor: I got to Work on it. but yes, I think I, if. I put some effort into it yes. I think I am on the road to live with myself and then do you love yourself? 

[00:52:29] Amanda: I thoughts And still this, so. We. add All this as guys are going to realize. maybe not think I could definitely do better. by myself And I, should. and that w that would be part of, on the road to loving my. 

[00:52:44] Taylor: Okay. Justine, Do you love. 

yourself? 

[00:52:47] Justine: I think, I think I 

do love myself. , 

but 

I'm still on. 

That road. It's not a hundred 

percent like, is there, is it okay to not a hundred percent love yourself, but still love yourself? 

[00:52:59] Taylor: Yeah. Yes. There are no blueprints. You can love yourself 22%. All right. Or 87%. However you do, but if, as long as you're being honest about it, 

Justine you can love yourself, however little you do, however, large amount you do, however much as well as trying to go for there right away.

Like Amanda there is a lot of steps I'm going to have to take some love myself. I think I'm at the lower end of the spectrum. If from an empirical point of view, I think about 33% of me loves myself because I seem to do a lot of contradictory things, but I'm on the road. I am on the road. I like myself and I'm on the road to completely loving myself to be a hundred percent honest.

Okay. How do you want to change the way you love yourself and how do you think you can improve or do you think status quo is working for you? 

[00:53:52] Amanda: I need to do more for me I need to do more to take care of myself and stop.

I'm not good at internal change. Great with, external environment changing, not so much internally. So that's a work in progress. Talk to me in the year. We'll see how I've taken some fan me and then 365 days.

[00:54:18] Justine: I think. Another way. like, yes, I do love myself, but I haven't accepted that another person can love me 

with the good traits that I've shared. This thought recently happened to me. It's just like, again, through the whole dating thing, it was like, yes, I'm a really cool person, but somebody who wants to actually be with me, I'm like, and then I was like, that's not really loving yourself.

If you, if you can't accept that somebody actually wants to like you for who you are. So that's something that I need to work on and is that, I need to accept that something. It's actually going to like me or love me for all the 

amazing things that I am 

[00:55:08] Taylor: you have lots of amazing parts, never forget that.

[00:55:11] Justine: Yeah, I do. I acknowledged that. It's just that I haven't, right now I'm having trouble accepting that.

somebody wants to like somebody else, somebody outside, somebody else wants to like it. 

[00:55:24] Taylor: I hope you do well On your journey to get. Okay. Let me know it was a process we going to get there and just like that text message that you said, if you want to do some, if you want to make it happen, you have to do something about it. 

Even though I said I was fine being single and I was not trying to change that anytime soon.

Yeah, but for same, for the context for you, if it's something you want you have to work on it 

I Think I need to work on my self care, definitely. And now that you talked about it today, work on not being a Debbie downer on myself 

[00:56:04] Justine: Positive science. 

[00:56:08] Taylor: okay. Joy.

I'm gonna have to stop being the depression person and be like, okay, so positive signs are happening and I needed to actually pay attention to them. I will be more receptive to the positive. that's a big thing I have to do. And yeah, I can definitely improve in all aspects. Like we're sitting here now and I'm thinking I need to clean our room.

That is a huge thing, which is it's not a huge thing, but it is the same time because it's about my mental space. And your environment is a reflection of where your mind is that. And I can definitely see the correlation between the doom in that I have those bursts of energy where I'm like, okay, I got rid of a bunch of furniture that I built up new furniture and put it in, but then I just stopped from there. So I've got to finish.

I feel like this is I'm pushing my, I need to push myself. That's. What I need to do to improve is just to keep pushing myself because status quo is my killer. That's one of them, dude. Final question, ladies, what would you like to improve for yourself in your relationship slash correlation with other people in the next few years?

[00:57:27] Justine: I have been more empathetic empathic to people. It definitely could work on that, asking about how the other person is. Cause sometimes I do talk about myself much more than the other person that actually asking about them. So I'm actively working a lot and trying to have those deeper introspective conversation. 

[00:57:50] Taylor: That's awesome. In my relationship with others, I want to, I used to learn how to step back more because I'm very, I'm not overbearing, but I'm trying to figure, like gregarious when I'm with other people where I'm just standing there. Like I need to stop talking more. I was like, I need to stop talking and doing these, let other people do more.

In those things like in those, get the given take part of the relationships. I am a much more giver in doing stuff and doing things I need to let other people do that and then learn how to be okay with that. And it's that I need to learn how to let go. That's what it is. That's what I want to do in the next few years.

[00:58:35] Amanda: Oh, it was me, it changes depending on the, the group. So like with my family, it's not something that we do, so I'm not.

sure how to even go about it, but be more open. Besides my mother, she's the only person I will ever have full on discussions with, but everyone else, like my brother and my sister, my dad not so much figure out A way to have an actual.

In-depth conversation with them, not related to like bullshit with work. I don't even know how I'm going to do this one. I just want to just take a step back, stop throwing myself into everything and saying yes to everything. Cause to me that's okay, that's how I'm going to show myself.

That's how I'm going to put myself out there. That's how I'm going to rise up. I'm sure there's another way besides trying to take on everything. And then in terms of like socially, I need to be a bit more open besides you guys, but I don't think you guys count

but okay. Example. When we do think about it, I'm really quiet at brunch. So it takes a while for me, like when I, until I, towards closer to the end where I actually started talking as like, why am I still doing this after? So I'm a year. Cause we do know everybody now. Yeah. So that's so yeah.

Things to work on.

[00:59:57] Taylor: Thank you guys as always for your honesty. Thank you for sharing anything. Any last words you'd like to share with people or no? Yes. Maybe. 

[01:00:04] Amanda: Yeah. Take the time to think these questions yourself about yourself. Don't it don't hurt. It's uncomfortable, but it don't worry.

[01:00:12] Track 2: Thanks for coming back and listening to a new season and episode is United AAF with us.

We hope we sparked a discussion or two about loving yourself.

[01:00:23] Justine: As always, if you enjoyed today's episode, please like comment and share our conversation with your friends and family. Let us know your thoughts on our Facebook, Instagram tick-tock.

And Twitter pages at United as friends or shoot us an email at United, as friends@gmail.com. 

[01:00:39] Track 2: We will see you all back here next week, as we discuss grief and how we battle it when it pops up in our lives.